Do you know when someone loves you? Like loves you loves you. Someone who isnt blood or someone you grew up with as friends. I mean someone who loves you for just being you? How old were you when you realized this person loved you?

I was 13 when I knew someone loved me for who I was. So i guess it was fair for me to be a little afraid right? what did I know about love at 13, and here I am 27 years old. 14 years later still thinking about that boy who is now a man. Im not sure where my idea of love got all messed up. Im not all that sure when I finally understood love in the first place. Maybe its when I actually started to love someone else that i realized what it was. I fell in love with the wrong person at a core moment of my life when I was at my lowest and attached myself to him. Clung to him as if he gave me meaning and everything else in my life was trivial. I loved him and he loved me but that love wasn’t always healthy. I can tell you I sacrificed so much for the wrong person. Gave my love to the wrong person. Showed my true self to the wrong person. That was so damaging that even now I am still trying to recover.

That boy I mentioned was the person I craved the most. He always popped into my life that I assumed he would come back someday. But 6 years ago I didn’t know would be one of the last times i would see him for a long time. Even then when I had my chance to tell him something inside me told me not too. Something inside me told me it wasn’t the right time. I should have known that was actually the perfect time to do it. I would have saved us both from so much pain. it would have saved us so much time. I have all these thoughts about what I should have done if I was brave. Now when I do have the chance to say things to people I do it. Its almost freeing and numbing at the same time.

Im 27 years old and I wreck almost all of my relationships in my life and i hate that about myself. I hate that I am very selfish 87% of the time. I can’t tell if i am really an asshole or if its from people treating me like shit my whole life that I no longer willing to cater to people that way. I wonder what is better being a person who is honest and hated by others or being kind to everyone and they love you all the time not knowing you are only hurting yourself. Hurt others or others hurt you. protect yourself from others or protect others and hurt yourself.

I think about him constantly. I think about how he has changed and I don’t know him but I know how I feel about the thought of him. I confessed my feelings to him three months ago, and we still arent together for reasons he was honest about. Its messy and I feel guilty for telling him what i feel when he is in a difficult situation. I am thankful I got it out in the open and I can some how move forward knowing I said my peace. Although that doesnt make the feelings go away.. makes it hurt alot more then him not knowing. He knows and I am alone. He knows and I sleep alone. He knows and I have no one to talk too. He knows and I am still crying. He knows and I still have to put on a happy face. He knows and doesnt get to see how much it hurts. He knows and he’s not here to give it back. He know and he has people who he needs to take care of before me. He knows and he said he feels the same but that feels like empty promises. He knows and I feel like I only hurt myself even more hoping, wishing one day he will pop up at my door.

I feel as if I made a mess of things like I always do. All that talk about healing. All that effort into reading books, all those podcast about being better, all that practice of communication, all that time working out, all those tears cried when no one was looking. What will be different when he comes into my life?

I am not to sure what I am hoping for. I am building this fantasy inside my head of us? Even though we have not talked for a whole month. Even though i know he is living with another woman… The more I think about it i use to think all his girl friends were the other woman, but she has his baby now and now I am the other woman. I didn’t think I would be someone who is in love with a man who has a family already. Am i stupid? your probably thinking I am, because I think I am. I cant talk about these things with no one because deep down i am ashamed. Ashamed that I still love him after years of not talking to him, ashamed that I want him to leave her and be with me, ashamed that I want him to take his baby and raise him with me, ashamed that I let all this time pass and I was so selfish I could have told him anytime but why now? Im not all that sure maybe i was tired of running from admitting those feelings that I have to shove away because I didn’t believe it.

Did it really set me free or did I just give myself another reason to hate my self even more because it feels a little of both. I secretly wish he would just call me for 5 minutes, or send me a message. Knowing he hasn’t tells me Im an idiot. Now i understand why people get angry at people who are in the same situation. Like morally I know him walking away from her will make him a bad person even if what he said about being in love with me is true. Morally I know how it looks and sounds when I say I hate the thought that I was a year late to confess and If i did a year ago that baby wouldn’t even exist right now. Maybe that baby would have been mine instead and im not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.

He says he will come for me. I want to believe that and at the same time I feel stupid for believe it because I trust him. He’s probably the only man who I would believe that could say some stupid cliche as that might be. i am young and smart and I am waiting for him. Am i stupid yes I am indeed stupid. I am out of my mind for thinking I can be with that man despite all the odds being against us literally. But thats how i know I am in love. When we spoke again all I could do was talk and want to hear his voice all at the same time. All I want is this one person no matter how long itll be. Not matter how much it is destroying me mentally. I want him even if I know he might not be good for me. I want him knowing that he could ruin my life because he wanted me when I was mentally insane. He wanted me when I was confused. He wanted me even when I was at my lowest. I truly hope he comes…