So, it seems life never gets easier.  To be expected, yes.  So many problems, physical, mental, emotional… It's a never ending battle within myself in one form or another.  I put myself in therapy and it was going good until I was let go from my job.  I didn't have the "mental capacity"  to work as receptionist.  I don't have the physical stamina or abilities to work as a nurse.  They let me go 3 days after I purchased a puppy, them knowing I was getting a dog.  I had asked for more hours to help pay for my therapy and puppy costs…. Yeah I messed a few things up but I got blamed for things that I didn't do.  Oh well.  I tried.  Gave it my all.  They told me they would send a nice letter on my behalf to disability explaining about my short term memory dysfunction and how no matter what job I tried to get, it wouldn't work out.  Like anyone would hire a person with a cane anyways, who slurs their speech, has "seizures" and constantly needs time off for medical purposes.

I began having seizure like activity about a month ago.  A few seizures and now I just randomly go unconscious so, I was rushed to the major hospital 3 hours away for testing.  The whole way there my husband was a jerk.  No results yet but I am to be scheduled for a 5 day stay and hooked up to every monitor possible.  Yaye.  They did an emg on my left leg, thigh, butt, lower back and mid lower back.  I couldn't walk for a week.  Still having issues from it.  I screamed blood curdling screams, was held down, my leg forced to flex because i couldn't force my leg to move that way… it was torture which brought back a lot of PTSD symptoms.  I began to feel a "seizure" coming on after the Dr left the room but no call light so I laid there alone for 45 minutes.

  The whole way home from there (3 hour drive) I was blacking out in the car from pain.  My husband didn't even notice.  They think the "seizures" are from severe, intense and chronic pain that I've lived with for 3 years now.  I'm at my wits end.  I can only hope the eeg, emg and skin biopsys show why I've lost the feeling in my leg and now in my hands and face.  Why I'm in such pain and why I'm having these "seizures".  I can't drive.  I"m always alone.  Life just seems so hopeless.  I forget everything.  Lose track of time.  Put butter in my purse, my cell phone in the fridge…

My Birthday was the 2nd.  My parents didn't even give me a card.  My kid didn't even make me a card.  I invited my parents over for dinner and they declined at the last minute.  I spent the last little bit of money we had on a nice roast to make for all of us.  2 days after my birthday was all of my tests.  I guess maybe that was too much to ask for.  Give up a round of Sunday golf or watching tv.  I guess that makes me selfish.   

I'm enjoying my puppy.  She's already learning to alert the family to my "seizures" and stays with me through them.  I guess she cries the entire time though.  She is to be a companion dog.  The vet said she is more then capable of it.  1/2 lab 1/2 newfoundland.  She's also a rescue.  It's too bad more humans can't be as loving and compassionate as animals.  I think the world would be a better place.   My friend called on the phone while I guess i was having one and wasn't responding to my husband so he (so she tells me, and he also later admitted) that he just let me lay there and put the phone on my chest.  He came back in the room when he heard me choking.  Yeah, i began to vomit while "under".  I sat there and praised him afterwards for basically saving my life then find out how cruel he was to me. 

I think, if I didn't have a daughter and some $$ I'd run away or jump off of a bridge.  It would have to be a glorious beautiful bridge though.  I'd like my last sights to be something worth seeing.  I'm sick of everyone running from me and avoiding me because I have a disease.  I didn't ask for this or sign up for it.  I fight so hard to keep living and to keep pushing through the pain and disabilities but it's never enough.  I'm a doormat and people are so cruel.  I have never in my entire life felt so alone, scared and just wanting to give up.  And if one more Dr tells me this isn't in my head I'm going to punch them.  I get it's NOT in my head.  But I apprieciate the 4 years of people deciding it was and giving up on me.  Maybe, just maybe I wouldn't be where I am now if someone would have began these tests and studies years ago. 

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