Hi:
To put up with everything I do in a day I see no reason in living.
I have gotten to the point I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. I don't care. I woke up a lot later due to the fact it was raining. Not walking really got me angry. Then when I went onto ESPN there was a story that should not have been in that section it was a much longer one. Reading that and not doing the other errands I was supposed to do outside today has just driven my OCD nuts. The list is far from short, I am just miserable. I really am sick of this. I JUST DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My body is physically shutting down on me I can feel it. I get angry when my List of Things to do this week is not followed. That is why I HATE SNOW AND RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To add insult to injury I have this guy who is the son of my landlord blasting music. He is 47 and does nothing all day. He is BI-Polar. Really never liked him because one day he is nice and the next you never know. I was up Tuesday morning at 3AM. At 3:30 AM I started banging my wall then jumping on the kitchen floor. He comes to the front of the house and I open my door I hear "What's the noise?" I said turn down the music it is 4AM. I think he made it louder.
Another thing I hate is I can't even spell anymore. My words don't come out spelled the way they should when I type. I might type the word type as tpye. Since my brain is not thinkijg (that was done purposely) thinking. To live this live I say the HELL with it. I would just as soon rather end it.
Marc
Hi Everlasting:
I read your blog. The reason why I did not comment is because my disposition on working might make you do something that you should not. I realize everyone has been supportive of your working. I do not want to be the one that says the wrong thing.
Honestly, it is coming to the point I can't take it anymore. I have so much anger in me I feel one day I will snap. I don't think going around letting cars hit me is too good.
Thanks for your comment.
Marc
Hi Julia:
It is just getting to the point I really can't go on. I know what everyone else is doing and I am not doing. As much as I want to be like everyone else I see it is virtually impossible. I realize everytime we discussed jobs it was the impression I could work. If I was just lazy and did not feel my mind was going I would agree. But I am ready to snap at any moment. The reason why I give up is most people think things and I do not want to have people thinking things or talking about me. Yes, I know I need help desperately but it is very hard to be positive when all of this is thrown at you. I feel very incompetent I have no confidence whatsoever. I am sorry to hear about that. Maybe it was my blog that got you depressed. My brain feels like it is working a lot slower than it ever has. I am typing a word and I am half way done in my brain but the word is not even typed out. I appreciate it but when I am out there I feel so lost and like the whole world is looking to break me down. It is days like today I question what the point of a life like mine is.
Thanks for the comment.
Marc
Hi Andie:
I just don't think they can help me. I always had great spelling. So I guess that is probably why I am having problems spelling words. I will try but it is getting harder by the day.
Thanks for your comment.
Marc
Hi Casino:
I know it is very hard. You and I are going through a pretty similar situation. Sometimes I don't know what I want. I know OCD is the evil thing stopping my life. I have lived with it this long but it is getting to the point I just feel dead. It consumes every waking and sleeping moment.
I appreciate it.
Thanks for the comment.
Marc
Hi Somber 1:
You have had this for 32 years? I am only at 19 years with the diagnosis. It seems most of us at some point were in the same place. I realize it is not my fault I have it but it paralyzes who I want to be. Yes, doing what I do during the day would wear most people out I have tried doctors who did not know what the heck they were doing or talking about. I know hurting myself is not the answer but many times it feels like that is the only solution. I will try to help myself.
Marc
Hi i've been there several times, i have even ther spelling issues but when talking like i think what a want to say but words comes out differently..f..ing annoying……but since your taking about not wanting to live anymore , i'm going to tell you what i did at some point in my life.. i was just like you really tired ..( let me tell you by the way that i wasnt diagnose until i was like 40 yo..meaning i just though i was going crazy all the time) and i decided like ok let finish all this B.S. but decided to do it by not following the compulsion ( justs to be cynical and ironic) like if i dodnt wash my hands germs wil kill me or if i dondnt get out of bed with my right foot first something bad is going to happen etc etc etc…so i started not to follow the rituals and wait for the bad thing to happen to me ( i have had almost every posible form of ocd with its compulsion) so very overwhelming but at the end didnt die and belive or not after that many compulsion did go away or miniize and i'm mostly pure-o right now. is it better? well thats another story 🙂
Hi Efrain:
When I talked I used to not have to think meaning I would talk the words would come out and I knew what I was saying. Now I have to think and sometimes the wrong words come out. I am not saying the words were appropriate then. I was thinking of that but then you say what happens if you actually do not wash your hands and you get sick and pass the germ on to family. That was my big worry not really myself. I see what you mean how it is ironic and cynical. I am sure being pure O is not fun either. It just gets to the point when you have almost 100 compulsions that takes the brain away from doing what it should be doing.
Marc
HI again.. thats exactly what happen to me when i talk in spanish my native language imaging trying to talk in english..lol.. but my advice is try to give up on ocd if you know what i mean …just try not to follow rituals and see what happens..if you live with someone and know of your conditions just ask then for help in the sence to put up with the mood swing and anxiety .. ocd is forever man all, we can do do is try to manage it until someone comes with the big solution.. best of luck
and remenber anxietys disorders come in a bunch ..it means that ocd general anxiety, social anxiety, etc etc coexist at the same time one way or the other..if you can pinpoint then and addres each other separetaly it will help too..
Hi Efrain:
I have heard that. People who are native to other languages sometimes have that problem. There are times I have done that because it was not convenient to do those things and I went NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I rent an upstairs apartment. These people have no clue about my life. I wish the big solution would come quickly.
Marc
So I am guessing, OCD could be that plus a slew of other anxiety disorders?
Marc
yes..or it is what i think… so i think it helps to kind of know where certain anxiety are coming from… like ocd might influnce your socials skills but it might be that you have grown social anxiety ( originated or not by the ocd ) and if your are able to recognice this you have other options for finding ways to coupe with it and ease the burden of the blame on the ocd side..so not to add fuel to the fire so to speak.
I guess all these disorders are inter-related. So we do not know what it actually is. I realize the more different diagnosis the more of a chance for a cure but that makes even more disorders. But, OCD had to have caused it in someway. Maybe not now but at one time.
Marc
I'm sorry you are going through this – please don't despair there is always some one out there that can help you.
I can't offer much help but I do know from experience that misspelling and things along those lines can reflect your state of mind. If you are feeling manic then that it how the words will process in your brain. My uncle who is schizophrenic can scramble his words/ spelling etc when he is stressed or not having a good day. I have OCD pretty severely and although I don't have the misspelling I do have times where the way I speak mumbles. I think that to is a result of stress and a manic state.
Your neighbour just sounds like an a-hole! Bi-Polar or not. Mental Illness is not an excuse to be rude and inconsiderate.
I understand not wanting to get out of bed etc. Sometimes I feel I just want to lock myself and my husband and son away and forget about everyone else. Besides my OCD when its just us there is nothing but happiness.
You seem like a lovely man and I am sure that you will find the happiness you seek. Dont give up. We are here and we understand what OCD is like.
All the best
Lorri
Hi Lorri:
I know but it is trying to find that person. I appreciate the kind words.
It might be hard if we both are going through the same thing and neither of us is a doctor to offer much help. I had a feeling that made sense. Being as though before last year I was not like this. It seems all disorders have that effect. I actually am saying the opposite of what I meant to say. I might say something like I am happy summer is almost over when I mean winter.
He does not know I know he is Bi-Polar. I had a talk with my landlord yesterday. Telling him in a nice way to control his son.
There are days I just don't want to deal with this garbage.
Thank you very much. I don't know how lovely I am anymore though.
Marc