I\'m tired of being cold. I wish I could turn the heat on, but I don\'t have enough money to pay the bill. I hate that the walls of my apartment building are super thin and I hear everything everyone does. I just want peace and quiet after a day at work or running errands or whatever, and I can\'t have that.
I\'m sick of being sober. I want a drink. I want a cigarette.
My life is compartmentalized and restricted. No hanging out. No alcohol. Just work and sleep. I miss my girlfriends on the east coast. I miss NYC. I miss my friends. I miss having roomates that I liked. Coming home felt like coming home to a family. Now I just come home to my one room, in an apartment that feels like I\'m crashing in it, not living there. cold, no T.V. no couch nothing. No common area to hang out. My roomate and I barely speak.
Can\'t go anywhere, trapped in California. I feel trapped, restricted.
I want to go out and have a good night out and drink and not worry about anything. I want to feel like I\'m 27 and not 107. or 12. I want to make some real connections with people.
I love my boyfriend so much it scares me and I\'m afraid I\'m going to smother him or push him away or screw up somehow. Part of me is afraid if he ever dumps me I\'ll fall apart into a million pieces and never recover. I feel like I have to push myself to go do other things that don\'t involve him. It freaks me out.
I want a drink. I want my friends. I want a little spending money. I want to not feel like everything sucks unless it involves my boyfriend. I live in L.A. why is my apartment so cold? I want heat, I want quiet. I miss NYC and I miss my old apartment.
I\'m turning into someone I don\'t fully know yet.