I've been struggling a lot with mixed symptoms this week.

The racing thoughts and frightening impulses are maddening and when combined with the heavy load of depression… I understand now why it's such a dangerous combination for the unmedicated. I find my mind going to new and dangerous places.
 

This morning was a particularly bad one. I stumbled into the shower after only sleeping for a few hours and began my blurry eyed cleaning routine. It wasn't long before my mind carried me off and I began thinking about the Australian funnel web spider, an aggressive species of spiders. I've thankfully never encountered one of these arachnids before but I'm sure I'd cry like a little girl if I did.
 

Suddenly I could feel a large spider crawling over the side of the shower door. My mind raced and vividly etched the image of the animal rearing on his hind legs and threatening me with its fangs. I recoiled hard away from the door, reacting to the phantom danger by thrusting myself into the corner of the small stall. I blinked a few times and part of me knew my mind was playing tricks but this was very new, I'd never been frightened like this before. It took me a minute of slow breathing to fully calm myself down.
 

I got out of the shower and walked back into my bedroom.. I often fall asleep watching Futurama on my netbook, it's a comforting quirk that I've developed over the years. There was a musical episode still playing from the night before and I gently hummed along with one of my favorite verses as I dressed myself. I could feel the music as if it was flowing through my body in a slightly bizarre and unnerving way. In a strange moment I glanced over at my bed and saw that my computer was closed and turned off. The room was silent.

“Well fuck me.” I sighed, as I felt myself slip slightly further away from reality.

14 days left until my psychiatrist appointment.