so recently i let a few friends go. even though i wouldnt really call them friends, they were more like frienemies. one i had been friends with (best friends) for the last ten years, and as someone who knows him better than everyone ive come to the conclusion that he is a total sociopath. i filled out a questionaire online entitled how to spot a sociopath and he fit pretty much the whole criteria. i stopped being his friend because well, im sure pictures will explain it better:

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this is basically what resulted after he had been making fun of me because i struggle to do things like hold down a job or maintain normal relations with people because of my anxiety, everything ive been through (i.e. being molested by my father, my mother being a drug addict who abandoned me, my grandfather beating the crap out of me etc etc) and everything i still go through because im so traumatized from basically my entire past (wow total run on sentence). that is what he did when i got angry and stood up for myself. and yes i did raise my voice but i did not put my hands on him or harm him in any sort of way. after all that happened i deleted him from all my online social profiles and blocked him, took his number out of my phone, and just decided that it doesnt matter how long ive known him, i am far better off without someone as negative as him in my life because im dead sure that having toxic people in your life really affects your outlook on the world and life in general. and this sucks because i dont have many friends who live in this area as most of my old friends have moved. i mean i still keep in contact with them but i dont get to see them. so basically i spend most of my time these days holed up in my room.

anyways the other person was a girl (who is also friends with the guy i was talking about and has been desperate to replace me as his best friend for as long as i can remember) and i told this girl so much stuff about me that i would never tell most people, and she turned right around and went and told other people. infact most of what i told her in the strictest of confidence got back to me through other various sources. which is just fucked. well i bit my tounge, because not everyone is perfect and not to sound like a narcissist but i have an inkling that this girl was jealous of me and i felt somewhat sorry for her because she has lower self esteem than i do. but the last straw was when one night i was really depressed, i called her and told her i didnt want to be alone. she said she had a few errands to run but she would come pick me up and we would go to a movie that night. well instead she didnt even bother to call me and she ended up going out with other people and getting drunk. and she said she "accidently" got drunk. which is just stupid. anyone knows that if you drink more than a few drinks containing alcohol you become intoxicated. i honestly felt it was an insult to my intelligence. so i told her i didnt appreciate it and she started getting catty. so basically i told her that i knew she had been talking behind my back, and that a few people were fed up with her. so she had the people she was with call me and text me, calling me fat (when she knows i have an eating disorder) telling me i have no friends and i was just jealous because i was all alone. and calling me names like cunt, bitch etc etc. people i had never even met before. needless to say i was pretty appauled. so i ended that friendship because i prefer people who are genuine and not going to play games with me.

well all that being said. these two people are now inseperable, which i was pretty sure it was going to happen. which doesnt bother me all that much. what does bother me is that in the course of the last week i have received text messages from both of them. one was from the guy and he was telling me what his new cell phone number is and i texted him back and said dont text me again. and i know it was probably just his pathetic way of him guaging what his standing with me was because he probably thinks that we'll make up eventually and everything will be just peachy keen (which isnt gonna happen, not this time. the first time he put his hands on me (he choked me) i forgave him because i was much younger and stupider). and today i received a text message from her because today is his birthday and it said "johns birthday cheddars at 7". i texted back saying "like i give a fuck" which was immature on my part, i should have just ignored her. in reply she said something to the extent of "oh wrong andrea you arent allowed to come to girl beaters barry's (his last name is barry) birthday party." which really really pissed me off. she was making light of what he did and just being so cavalier about it like it aint no think for him to leave scrapes and bruises on me. and further more she was acting like its funny. it made me SO mad. i wanted to punch things and possibly track her down and punch her in her face (and i am not a violent person by any means, i didnt even fight back when he pushed me to the ground and left bruises on my chest from how hard he pushed me). i probably wouldnt get so mad but i havent eaten anything so far today and my blood sugar is probably so low. im too mad to even think about eating now.

i know these people are out of my life and i shouldnt worry about it but i just dont understand how people can be so disrespectful and petty about something that i regard to be pretty damn serious.

i just felt like i should write a blog to get it out of me you know? and i feel a tiny bit better but im still mad. MAD MAD MAD.

6 Comments
  1. HananaH 13 years ago

    wow that is seriously messed up to the umpth degree …. those people definately sound TOXIC to me …  be glad you are done with them and really really I hope you are done with them ..  something worse  could happen  with people like that ya know?… don't  even put yourself at risk ..  man I can't even express that enough that  is scary sh^t…..  I am so glad you are ok  ( and I know in  a sense your not)  but  I mean okay liek your not seriously more hurt or dead or soemthing.. those people are bad bad news … I am so sorry and you have every right to be mad!… just dont communicate with them at ALL  …. they sound like they deserve eachother lol….. you on the other hand deserve friends 100 times better …

    I know I don't know you and I don't know them and I may be way out of line but seriously reading all that just made me so mad!  lol

     

     

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  2. post_modern_sleaze 13 years ago

    youre not out of line at all. <3

    thanks so much for your comment. no one deserves to be treated the way they treat people. im not a perfect angel but i try to be as good of a person as i can be. i did a lot of bad things when i was younger and im constantly trying to make up for it. so i dont understand people who treat people like that with no sense of remorse. its just not right.

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  3. Uncle_Nigel_Owen 13 years ago

    These are the kinds of "friends" that will keep you down and unable to get any better.  They are a negative in your life and you truly are better alone than with them.  You will make more friends, you just have to have patience and continue to improve.

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  4. post_modern_sleaze 13 years ago

    you guys are all such lambs. <3

    thank you so much for all your comments and kind words.

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  5. post_modern_sleaze 13 years ago

    the way i look at it is with my grandpa being abusive growing up, i didnt really have a choice whether or not to keep him in my life because i was just a kid. but now that im a full grown adult i do have the choice, and im going to stop choosing people like that. even if it means being lonely. if nothing else atleast the time spent alone will give me time to reflect and improve upon myself.

    and i finally ate something today. i feel really i guess guilty about it, but i ate and i am NOT going to do the bad thing.

     

    thanks for your comment. <3

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  6. Uncle_Nigel_Owen 13 years ago

    If you can keep your current attitude, things are going to progress well for you.  Deciding to use alone time to improve upon yourself is exactly what you should be doing, this is what I tell people (including myself) all the time.  When you can take advantage of your loneliness to become a better person, you'll find the loneliness has a way of disappearing.

    Yay for eating and resisting the temptation.  The more you do this, the less guilty you will feel afterwards.  You are exactly the age I was when I was at my lowest point and I decided to turn things around.  Life's not perfect right now, but I'm in a much better situation than I pictured myself being at that time.

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