The only thing that I can take in is my morning coffee. This is strictly habit. I like my coffe in the mornings. Finding something to eat is a daily chore which ends up with two pots of tea at the end of the day so I can feel full before I go to bed. Sleeping doesn’t seem to be a problem. Never has. I like the coma I go to for escape.
Not having the financial resources to crawl into a bottle is not an issue. I never liked drunks in the first place nor do I see the need to find that kind of escape. Just to be able to be a bit numb for a while does offer its own appeal though.
Any break up is hard, losing a job is hard, losing your home is hard and watching a parent deteriorate is hard as well. All together is a bit over whelming. I take no pleasure in knowing that there are others with worse senarios and circumstances than mine. I only know mine. To compound the distress the angry hurtful words that closes the door to a lover takes its toll. To be told that I am a greedy person is beyond the pale. No one really knows me who reads this. And being acused of greed is something that is easily understood. What strikes so deeply is the projection of other’s views and feelings on to another. When there is no basis for the accusation the words still sting. Words can do so much. A mere nano second of sound vibrations can cut you to the quick. You can’t change another’s view of you once the door is closed. You can’t go back and going forward seems to be a hard climb upwards. It’s easier to stay at the base of the despair than to find the energy to step back up. It’s even harder with no fuel for the journey.
I know I am not alone. I know that I am not what he has said and those that do know me agree. Greedy is not what they have experienced with me. Even with that knowledge life is harder to embrace because of the loss. So how do you move on? How do I find the strength I need? Make a list of tasks to do and start with the simplest one. I have been wounded and vunerable for so long and was looking for anything to cling to. I attached myself to someone who truly was not in love with me but with an idea he had. It went on for 5 years. I have been told over and over again that this last straw should awaken my rational and to see the logic that I am much better off. Truly I know that. I just don’t feel that yet. There are so many other things to find pity for. A time to wallow in the unfairness of life. This depression has been my only constant since living in an unhappy marriage with an alcoholic for years. It is what I know. It’s been an old friend that lets me watch tv all day curled up on the couch. It keeps my food bill down. It fires up with arogance every now and then and I don’t get the job I want.
Life’s too short to feel this way, I’ve been told. So how do you make it go away? Life’s too long to feel this way.