The only thing that I can take in is my morning coffee. This is strictly habit. I like my coffe in the mornings. Finding something to eat is a daily chore which ends up with two pots of tea at the end of the day so I can feel full before I go to bed. Sleeping doesn’t seem to be a problem. Never has. I like the coma I go to for escape.
Not having the financial resources to crawl into a bottle is not an issue. I never liked drunks in the first place nor do I see the need to find that kind of escape. Just to be able to be a bit numb for a while does offer its own appeal though.
Any break up is hard, losing a job is hard, losing your home is hard and watching a parent deteriorate is hard as well. All together is a bit over whelming. I take no pleasure in knowing that there are others with worse senarios and circumstances than mine. I only know mine. To compound the distress the angry hurtful words that closes the door to a lover takes its toll. To be told that I am a greedy person is beyond the pale. No one really knows me who reads this. And being acused of greed is something that is easily understood. What strikes so deeply is the projection of other’s views and feelings on to another. When there is no basis for the accusation the words still sting. Words can do so much. A mere nano second of sound vibrations can cut you to the quick. You can’t change another’s view of you once the door is closed. You can’t go back and going forward seems to be a hard climb upwards. It’s easier to stay at the base of the despair than to find the energy to step back up. It’s even harder with no fuel for the journey.
I know I am not alone. I know that I am not what he has said and those that do know me agree. Greedy is not what they have experienced with me. Even with that knowledge life is harder to embrace because of the loss. So how do you move on? How do I find the strength I need? Make a list of tasks to do and start with the simplest one. I have been wounded and vunerable for so long and was looking for anything to cling to. I attached myself to someone who truly was not in love with me but with an idea he had. It went on for 5 years. I have been told over and over again that this last straw should awaken my rational and to see the logic that I am much better off. Truly I know that. I just don’t feel that yet. There are so many other things to find pity for. A time to wallow in the unfairness of life. This depression has been my only constant since living in an unhappy marriage with an alcoholic for years. It is what I know. It’s been an old friend that lets me watch tv all day curled up on the couch. It keeps my food bill down. It fires up with arogance every now and then and I don’t get the job I want.
Life’s too short to feel this way, I’ve been told. So how do you make it go away? Life’s too long to feel this way.
Yes, when you have a wife, kids, family and friends to share things with things it (life)important. It isn’t about just you. We come in this world alone and so shall we leave. What ripples and waves we have made is what we leave in our wake.
This ache that became an old friend is now becoming a weight I need to unload. For too many years these bad thoughts and detailed plans that have crept into my dreams both day and night have got to go. Since my ovarian cancer and subsequent hormone therapy I have had this heavy shadow that hasn”t left.
I consult the IChing at times and especially during the lowest. It has been my goal to walk with the Sage, to do the right thing, do the kind thing. Most days I can some days I lose the path. Since losing my job, which has only been two months, I cut back on my prescription because of the cost. I skipped days. How chemistry works in women. So I see myself as damaged goods and the brain chemistry spirals my despair. And losses and set backs gain a greater power I can not seem to control. I know I am naive about the darker nature of people so when it has been directed to me I am deeply wounded. I want to find a way to shield myself from the full force I bear. I no longer want to succumb to it. I started making plans.
Today the IChing revealed to me; “KO/Revolution. It is the arrival of a time of revolution. A set of conditions, internal or external or both, is ready to pass away in favor of a more beneficial situation. What enables this transformation is your conscious and vigorous adherence to correct thought and behavior.
No revolution in outer things is possible without a prior revolution in once’s inner way of being. Whatever change you aspire to in your affairs must be preceded by a change in heart, an active deepening and strengthing of your resolve to meet every event with equanimity, detachment, and innocent goodwill. When this spirtural poise is achieved within, magnificent things are possible without.
The revolutions of others are enabled also when we refine the fire of goodness and truth inside ourselves. Sincere commitment to higher things travels outward in powerful waves from the superior person, and all those around are affected by this. Indisputably, to lead one’s inner self to truth and peace is to lead the outer world to truth and peace. A beneficial revolution is assured to one who takes this path now. ” (Quoted from Brian Browne Walker’s, The I Ching or Book of Changes)
It is one thing to understand the necessity of enjoying your time on this earth it is quite another to know how to do that. I have had good times and productive times. I knew the rush of working with a team spirit and singing in a chorus. I knew those happinesses. I need some armour or atleast a bandaid. I know the universe is a friendly place and I can ask for what I need. There are only three answers to any prayer: yes, no or wait. I seem to have been just waiting. To detach from the bad thoughts takes a will. I’m looking for it. I want to start this revolution.