well for the first time in a long while i\'m awake at 4:45 am in the morning trying to find something to occupy me and keep me from scratching my self to death, It\'s not been this bad in a long time and the only thing i can think i\'ve done different lately is been outdoors with the good weather.  I have my six month appointment this morning with my ID dr and i\'ll talk to him about this…I\'m hoping it\'s just nerves cause if it\'s something that keeps me from going outside i don\'t think i can handle that.  I had a appointment with the disablity dr last week and he just kept looking at my arm and hand saying "that\'s not good", "thats not good"  Then he tells me he thinks i may have "reflex sympathetic dystrophy" I looked it up and it scared the shit out of me but makes me mad at the same time because the whole time i was going to the hand dr i had these symptoms and she just blew them off saying she did\'nt know why i had this or that symptom everyone keeps telling me to grab a amblance chaser ( i aplogise to laywers if this offends you)  and sue her ass off but i\'m not sure i want to do that what good witl that do? can\'t bring my hand back can\'t get me back to doing things i like or want to do thursday i have a appointment with the head shrink from disablity this should be fun with my present mood LOL

And why do i keep blogging only when i\'m down!!!!!!   don\'t know if i can say this here but i\'m just about out of the end of my rope and you know what they say tie a end and hold on but they did\'nt tell me  the end of it would be a hangman\'s noose now before you get all freaked out on my rest assured that if i really start feeling any worse i\'ll go to hospital or dr…i just feel like i\'ve lost so much this year between finding out i\'m hiv/poz to the hand thing i really don\'t think i can take much more…thank you for listening sorry if i bum you out


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