This is my first blog so be kind. It will probably be a long one. I like to write once I get started but I never share it because I'm so terrified of critique… Much like how I never play the guitar for people. It's a shame because I can make the Arctic Monkeys sound quite beautiful :). Anyway, I digress.
Today my wipes and gel were in the bottom of my bag and I'd left my new packet of gloves at home. So when I needed to open the door of the common room at school today, I felt like the room was getting smaller. A girl in my year was behind me and I just felt the pressure like a load of heavy weights on my chest. "WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO OPEN IT WITH NOW? SHE'S WAITING"
So I opened it with the newspaper I had in my hand. She said "What are you doing?" and I said "What?". Then, you'll never guess what? Another set of doors. I had to do it again. She said "Oh my god, you're like OCD. I have a friend that has to open toilet doors with tissue and stuff, do you do that?". I got annoyed because I didn't want to feed the stereotype but the fact is I do… so I just said "Yeah… all that.". Then the last set of doors. She said "Omg that's so weird, you keep doing it!"
That was it really. I've been thinking about it all day though. It's not the first time I've been called obsessive, but it does get to me. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? I don't know. Obsessions are easier to hide because they are thoughts and although it causes me so much pain that I want to rip my heart out and cry… I cope, you know? However, though I try to hide my compulsions as much as possible, I find it a lot harder because I usually only resort to a compulsion when I find the anxiety unbearable… and then how do you not do it? So what I'm thinking is, when I'm forced to perform these compulsions in front of strangers… I feel like I'm telling them things against my will. Things I never would otherwise. I don't really like to talk about myself/share things with people that much (I become very inarticulate when I try) and this stuff is something that I haven't told a lot of my good friends. Yet when someone I don't know says "You're really OCD you know" "That's quite obsessive…" etc etc It really gets to me. I feel like saying "You don't know me, so just because you've seen me do this, why do feel the need to tell me about myself?" I mean, you wouldn't go up to a diabetic and say "You're really diabetic, did you know that? It's weird." Maybe that's just my insecurity and hating the fact that something is wrong with me. I mean, I feel like it makes me vulnerable. I feel like if people know I have a disorder, then they automatically think they are better/smarter than me or I feel that I am weaker than them (I'm not sure which it is). I'm so competitive so this is a real struggle for me. I mean, I'm constantly doubting my capability now, when I never did before! Checking work over and over again because I don't think it's good enough. Sometimes I just CAN'T give it in because I feel so ashamed that I've produced such crap. However, when I do give work in and I get feedback, I'm told that it was "Great but should have been handed in on time" or "Very good style but seems rushed" etc etc. The fact that I feel that I'm not good enough has instilled this "what's the point" mentality oh so firmly in my mind and so now I actually feel like I am becoming stupider because I'm not putting the work in. This then tears me apart because of the whole competitive thing and I just can't stand it… I mean I CAN'T DO IT. This is not good for someone who wants to go to one of the top universities in the country.
Ok, also, today I was sitting on a bus and there was some bird poo on the window. It was on the outside and the window was closed, but I can't stop thinking about it. I had to go to the bottom floor of the bus because I felt like it was all over me. I feel ill and I just can't stop seeing it. Oh and we dissected some fish in Biology the other day and there were parasites in our FISH?? OMG. They were dead and the teacher said they were harmless but I'm crying now just thinking about it. At the moment it is the bird poo and the parasites that is making me want to die. When I tried to describe this feeling to my brother, I really struggled. Then, I likened it to Northen Lights by Phillip Pullman (Golden Compass in the States). You know when someone touches your daemon? It's like that. I feel like I'm not me, like I've been violated. Then I get so mad at myself for feeling this way as I'm usually so sensible, I mean, how on earth could I possibly be crying at 01:53 in the morning about bird poo and fish parasites? I'm 16, I should be sleeping and dreaming about the fancy dress party coming up on the weekend (to which me and my best friend are going as JD and Turk from Scrubs by the way haha).
"I can't breathe. It's all over me. On me. I just want to be safe. I just want to find somewhere where you don't exist. No matter how much I scrub, I can still feel you. I may not see you or smell you. But I can feel you. Where are you? I want to find you and scream until I lose it all. I want you to see how you make me feel. I want to silence your voice and I want to whisper into your ear all the pain you whisper into mine. I don't want to "survive" I don't want to "cope". Why should I? I want to live. And if you won't let me, then I want to die. Don't worry, I know I'm not "alone". Except that I am. I'm completely alone. You know I am. If I wasn't then you wouldn't be able to find me like you do. You wouldn't be able to fight your way in when I say "NO". I depend on you. You make me think that I'd be weak without you. You know that I will NEVER be able to stop questioning… "What if?". It's like we're married. I'm your wife. I'm under your thumb. You own me. You abuse me. You nothing me. Please. Someone. Set me free."
That was random. I've never written anything as depressing as that before. I don't know what that was. A poem? It's just how I feel at the moment. I want to delete this so badly like I have every other blog I've written every day since I've joined… but I'm not going to. I think submitting it could be a good step for me. I don't expect anyone to read all that haha I just need to do it, so I can see it and try not be afraid of letting people in anymore. Feel free to comment. I know it's very disjointed, very Virginia-Woolfe-esque, so sorry about that. Anyway, take it easy people. Apparently it gets better.