I think it's been almost a year since I have been online. I have been busy with my kids, work and divorce. All the while barely maintaining my sanity.I have had so many ups and downs and just need to step back and take the time to focus and get all this crap off my chest and out of my head. Like if that wasnt enough I had to go and venture into the dating scene. All I have to say about that is W-O-W! lol PEople complain about meeting people with drama/issues/bagage. Well hello we all have it. No one has not lived through this life and not been through sopmething. Thats ridiculous and just down right lies. SOme people cope with these things differently of course. Does that mean that these people are any less worthy of being loved than others. NO! Unless they are completely off their rocker (i have met some pple like this btw) then its no big deal. We all want to be loved and so what if some of us have "issues". Get over yourselves. Anyways enough about dating.

So My lil one has just entered junior high and as I feared he is struggling. THe school district though is finally testing him for asperger syndrome which I think he has or at least some form of autism. So we'll see how he goes after that. In the meantime we have to deal with his behavior issues at school. He so wants to be good and have friends but it is hard for him due to the behaviors. He is going to school with kids from his old school who used to bully him which is obviously not good. It so hard for me to sit back and watch him have to suffer like this. I am trying to do everything in my power to help him through this. I find it hard because my head isnt always in the right place and my moods are always off. In and out of the dark place. Am doing my best. I need to find a child advocate lawyer is what I need to do. Step by step. I'm getting there slowly but surely.

Now on to my eldest son. He turned 19 last month and has graduated from high school. No he is working with me but I want hi to find another job and start college like he was supposed to. He is lagging it big time. I am trying to leave it up to him to take care of this stuff on his own withoug me having to be on his ass for everything. He's 19 for crying out loud. He has been going through rough times emotionally and reminds me of me as a kid and I have helped him through some big issues but now feel like he takes advantage of that. My ex used to be all over him about everything and I dont only when I have to. SO now he feels like he can do whatever the fuck he wants. Well I dont think so. I am not trying to put alot of responsibility on him because its not his cross to bare but at the same time he need to help me. SImple jobs I give him around the house he cant even dp. I pisses me off because I work very long hours and come home to chaos. I'm like wtf dude really?? Its just been so frustraiting. I was so mad at him the other day that I gave him a month to straighten up or he may not be able to stay with me anymore. I felt horrible that I had to resort to that threat but Idk what else to do. Now he wouldnt be on the street mind you but go to my moms house. He doesnt liek it there because alot of ppl live there but oh well.

I have to really get my mind right and just get all this shit handled. I feel sick all the time and with no desire to do anything. TO top it all off I have gained 10lbs over the summer. First big weight gain I have had since losing 30lbs almost 2 yrs ago. Ive been maining the weight off but need to lose lots more. About 60 lbs. My health depends on it. So with little time and all the stress working out has just been left by the waist side. I hate letting myself get to this point of helpless/uselessness. Had I kept on with working out I would have been healthy long ago but no. God help me I'm just losing it big time. I just feel like there is no hope…. but then i take the time to really sit down and think and know there is. I just have to calm myself down and get ti together. I have a couple friends that offer real support but they have no idea what my struggles are. SO i decided to come back here and hope for the best. At least lettign it all out on here will help my sould rest a bit and get this shit ouit of my head. I'm rambling now so I better go. I will try to come on here a couple times a day to vent or at least at night after my day is done to let out all that has happened throughout the day.

Send me good vibes and wish me luck.