I wonder if I feel this way because I'm fighting something. Like, what if I'm just fighting growing up? I know what I'm supposed to do, I've always known, so why do I sit here and do nothing? I am torn between having fun and being responsible. I can't find a balance because I am merely a child throwing a temper tantrum because I can't have everything my way. I have a job. I don't have a car or a cellphone, and I only work 16 hours a week. I stay in the house all day long. It's like I'm fighting something and it's draining me of all that I am. I don't feel anything anymore, and I don't understand why, and it's so bad because I want to feel something so badly.
I'm 20 years old and I know younger people than me whom have kids and they are so responsible and they are living great! I have barely a job and that's already almost too much for me to handle. I failed out of some of my college classes, even when I didn't have a job. I want to be a Veterinarian because I love animals, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to make it. I wish I had a mother that tried to teach me instead of just controlling me… I just want to know how to be independent and strong.
I am so alone, and so confused. I mean it when I say that I have absolutely no clue who I am! Everyone says that I've changed and I try to go back to the old me but I can't find her, and it makes me wonder if I was ever actually myself, or if I just developed a personality that would please mother, and help me fit in. I don't think I'm ever meant to fit in, and maybe it makes me superficial to say this, but all I've ever wanted was to fit in.
I do have days when I feel that inner peace that resonates into my brain making me at least feel happy. I don't know why this happens and I wish I could tap into the source, because these days are great, when I actually like going out into the world and interacting with real people, instead of sitting at home, alone, and writing stupid blogs that make no difference on the internet.
However, no matter how happy I get sometimes, it's always the very next day, when I remember how incapable I am, and how I'm doing absolutely nothign with my life, while I watch everyone else moving forward and creating their own legacy. I don't like anyone anymore. My brother talks about all his achievements and normally I would've been happy for him, but instead I hate him for it, because I should've had those achievements first. I am the first born. I hate everyone, because they're all better than me, and then I hate myself, because I can't be liek them. So not only do I alienate myself from other people, I also alienate me from myself. I feel nothign and I have nothing. I am nothing.
But I am such a child. All I can ever do is complain. Why can't I get the fuck up and actually do something with my pathetic excuse for a life?