Hello, I’ve been enjoying more and more sharing my reflection and what I’ve been learning during my emotional recovery journey. After much time has passed since I started, I’ve made more new friends, gained more support as I continued to reach out, and I’ve also started therapy.

For those who may not know, I’ve started my recovery since early March, shortly after my mental and suicidal crisis. There were many setbacks during the first few weeks, as I’ve long suppressed my anger and suicidal ideations that have unfortunately gone out of control. It unfortunately resulted in a heartbreaking loss with someone who I once considered as my best friend.

During my recovery, I have not gained the strength to go back to my old lifestyle where I would draw and pursue personal projects I want to showcase to the world. Even until this time of writing this entry, I have yet to achieve a new drive to want to create again. So, for the meantime, I’ve resorted to writing about my recovery and reflecting on my life.

Like my previous entries, this is going to be a long read as this is a monthly reflection.

2 months have now flown by, and unlike how I started the first week of April, the first week of May has given me many hopeful signs. It first started out with a lot of nervousness, because I was already scheduling to meet my therapist for the first time online. We’ve been in touch for the week prior shortly after I inquired during the last week of April. I sought out a therapist from my native country, which I thought it’d be best since it’s more affordable. I wasn’t aware that they also do online sessions. My partner accidentally left that detail out and I wasn’t mentally prepared as my therapist had scheduled a meeting on the first Wednesday evening of May.

Before my therapy, I’ve been continuously attending my recovery program meetings, email group, as well as participating in other support communities. Prior to the session, I forgot that I also have a 1-on-1 support chat with a friend, which we get to talk about our lives and what we’ve been feeling once a week. So, I left a message in advance, knowing that I would chat with her a bit late since it’ll be a 1-hour session with my therapist.

Then by the time Wednesday evening came, I was ready to meet my therapist through Google Meet. This is where it becomes a bit distressing. So, the meeting was scheduled around 8:30pm. However, he emailed me stating that he already sent the request for the meeting. I was using the mobile app since that’s where I can easily do video and microphone chat. It turns out that my app isn’t notifying me of anything, so I asked him about a meeting code. Apparently, he didn’t seem to have sent me one, so I quickly thought up giving him my phone number that might be easier to reach me since he might have misspelled my email or somewhat. Next thing I knew, he ended up using my number and contacted me through another application. This mess lasted almost 30 minutes.

Fortunately, we still made up our 1-hour session as expected. Before I finally met him through video chat, my partner told me he was very kind on the phone when my therapist reached out to his phone number since I’m in another country. Our first session really started out well, even though it started quite late, and I had to catch up with my “peer support” friend for our Wednesday night chat. I was able to sort out the scheduling for my second therapy session next week so it wouldn’t interfere again.

My therapist was very kind to me, and I told him I’ve already been attending a recovery program, which he said was a great bonus. The only thing that was more rewarding is that I could text him whenever at no extra cost. For each day until our next session, he has been sending me images with positive quotes, which was very nice of him to do that.

I haven’t tried to reach out to him through text since I was still quite shy about it. But I did respond occasionally thanking him for continuing to send those daily image quotes. I would save each of them on my phone, even if some of them that I don’t currently resonate with but might be useful I can share with my friends and others.

Although there were still some setbacks, I’m starting to easily recover from them than my last encounters awhile ago. I wasn’t thinking much about the past as I used to. I decided to change some things I planned to get, as well as look up things I want to learn.

Time really flies. It was months and now only a few weeks before my trip. So that’s been my focus in my head ever since. I’ve already committed most of my time to participating in my support groups as well as helping in one of the other support communities because I also want to learn how to listen to others and make them feel heard.
When it came to my second therapy session a week later, I was able to open to my therapist about my life. We almost made it halfway, but the session time was too short for it. I’ve been given a chance to have a third and fourth session if I want to, at least before I get to see my therapist in person. It took almost a week after our last session that I wanted to book 2 more online.

I feel like I needed to make the most of time I have left before both me and my mother make our trip back to our home country. Anything could happen between now and then. In the meantime, I continue to stick with my recovery tools and support groups I’ve been continuously attending. And for several days, I’ve been starting to feel less depressed and in pain than I was weeks before.

Other than looking forward to going back home, I’ve also made my own bittersweet ending to a game that I ended up playing for one last time. After coping with the loss of my former friendship, I began newer relationships and gaining immense support from other people. It was hard to deal with things like games and art that were closely connected with my former best friend.

But I had my own personal goals that I had to keep reminding myself of.

I was able to play one of the games that I used to stream with my former friend with. It was a gacha game by the way. I was anticipating a character for a long time until it arrived around the first week of this month. I haven’t played it for about a month prior to the day I logged back in, since I didn’t have the strength to continue playing knowing that I’m alone now. It was harder during the first few weeks of recovery.

But now that it’s May, I seem to have improved a bit. When I was able to return to the game for one more day, I went straight to use up all my remaining in-game currency to win the chance of getting a new character that I’ve been planning to get. And with incredible luck and timing, I won. I saw it as some sort of blessing, so I’ve been able to conclude my time with this game on a happy note. I even personally wrote all about this moment, so that I wouldn’t forget it. That’s all I could share for that part, since it was important that I gotten something out of it and felt the satisfying thrill that made me hopeful.

Around the third week of May, I’ve been able to come across some other new games to help occupy my mind when I’m doing nothing. I didn’t have therapy that week since I took time until the following Wednesday to message my therapist that I wanted 2 more sessions before I leave for my home country. My sister, who paid for my first 2 sessions, was able to pay for them just a day before I was able to attend my third therapy session. Besides continuing to attend my support groups and journaling my mood and thoughts daily, I also decided to volunteer in another support community and help by listening to other people like how others lent their ear for me.

The final week before May was coming to an end, this was one of the newer things I became proud of myself for doing. Although at one point during the past few weeks I felt like I was doing all of this as punishment. But I must remind myself of how many other people came to support me when I reached out and share my experiences as well as my recovery. Sometimes my memories of my crisis still linger, but they don’t hold me back as much from being able to live my present day as calmly and freely as I could. Time does really heal in its own way. Until today, I guess I’m still healing.

I’ve been spending more time with my sister online, now that she’s cramming on her studies for her nursing exam, which is in the first week of June, around the same time as our flight to see her and our father. So, me and my mother would arrive around the day after she takes her exam. My partner could only be available a couple of times per week, mostly for chatting. Thanks to him, I’ve been able to start playing some games again, some that are also new.

I can’t wait to see him soon. I also can’t wait to see my other best friend, who we’ve been keeping in touch with since we’ve graduated together in the same class and course from college a few years ago. I haven’t told her about everything that has happened since I reached out to crisis. My partner suggested I should tell her in person since I’m already going to see her. We’ve been able to finalize a date for one day where I would meet her and catch up with everything over the past 4 years since we’ve last seen each other.

As I’ve felt in the beginning of this month, May has given me plenty of hopeful signs for my recovery journey. Although I’m still attending my recovery program and other support groups, I’ve been able to learn more about myself and what I can do to be better. I’ve been able to attend therapy and have built my own support system. Hopefully in time things will continue to improve.

Thank you for reading. See you later in June.