So I was suicidal in the beginning of May and I’ve been really fighting not to keep wanting to go through with it. The fact of the matter is I just don’t know if I’m cut out for this life.
I used to love my job. I thought I was finally doing something right and finally adulting well. Then this year my job just went to crap. Combine that with the death of my dog. Now I can’t stop thinking about how short and finite life is and I think to myself “what’s it all for if life goes by so quickly anyways”. Then I dated this girl this year and I really wish I hadn’t, because the break-up was so abrupt and I felt betrayed almost like I never have before. So now I have major trust issues with people in general. So all those things just put me in a whirlwind because the change of job, death of Panda, and the beak-up all happened within a 3 month time frame and each one happened relatively quickly. I’ve never really had to deal with anxiety before. I’ve typically just dealt with major depression. But with all these losses I keep looking over my shoulder and wondering what else I’ll lose now.
I think the main reason I’m not fit for this life is because I don’t adapt well to change. Combine that with I’m naturally lazy and don’t like to do things, I just don’t know how I can get myself out of this. Just this morning I finally got myself to go online and attempt to look for jobs. I noticed this one job I was going to try to apply for needed a cover letter. I was too lazy to create one. I do have an updated resume, but the only reason I have one is because I had a friend a month ago actually update my resume for me. How pathetic is that?
I’ve worked for the same company for 7 years so I haven’t had to really work at looking for a job. I was able to obtain new positions in those 7 years, but it was so easy to move around internally. I think only one position move required me to submit a resume. The others I was basically already pre-selected since the people already knew me.
I wish I was more resiliant. I’m horrible at life. I’m going to end up not being able to hold a job and of course no female is ever going to want to be with me. UGH. I don’t know how my life is going to get better
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***Hugs***
My friend, the pressures of both depression and anxiety can take over, if you let them…*sigh i wish you’d reach out and just let me or someone–someone in your life–know what’s going on or what you need. You’re not as pathetic as you might feel. (My ex was too lazy to do even one resume. He kept at me until i did the first one for him, and then, after he got the job he wanted, he just kept at me, to keep updating his resume for the steps up the ladder…..—you know me, i have other examples. lol) My point is this: you’re not alone in this, unless you choose to be. i just feel like maybe you got hit too many times, at one short time period, to be able to keep going in a forward direction.Now, you kinda seem a bit stalled, but, you can always pop your head outta the sand, my friend. 🙂 Don’t be a stranger!!! LEAN IN when you need to!!!!!!
@delane1
thank you so much for replying to my blog. I loved your encouraging words
You’re always welcome, my dear friend! ***hugs***
Just do what you can do, and the rest is…..gravy….. And, always remember: you’re not alone, unless you wanna be.