So I was suicidal in the beginning of May and I’ve been really fighting not to keep wanting to go through with it. The fact of the matter is I just don’t know if I’m cut out for this life.
I used to love my job. I thought I was finally doing something right and finally adulting well. Then this year my job just went to crap. Combine that with the death of my dog. Now I can’t stop thinking about how short and finite life is and I think to myself “what’s it all for if life goes by so quickly anyways”. Then I dated this girl this year and I really wish I hadn’t, because the break-up was so abrupt and I felt betrayed almost like I never have before. So now I have major trust issues with people in general. So all those things just put me in a whirlwind because the change of job, death of Panda, and the beak-up all happened within a 3 month time frame and each one happened relatively quickly. I’ve never really had to deal with anxiety before. I’ve typically just dealt with major depression. But with all these losses I keep looking over my shoulder and wondering what else I’ll lose now.
I think the main reason I’m not fit for this life is because I don’t adapt well to change. Combine that with I’m naturally lazy and don’t like to do things, I just don’t know how I can get myself out of this. Just this morning I finally got myself to go online and attempt to look for jobs. I noticed this one job I was going to try to apply for needed a cover letter. I was too lazy to create one. I do have an updated resume, but the only reason I have one is because I had a friend a month ago actually update my resume for me. How pathetic is that?
I’ve worked for the same company for 7 years so I haven’t had to really work at looking for a job. I was able to obtain new positions in those 7 years, but it was so easy to move around internally. I think only one position move required me to submit a resume. The others I was basically already pre-selected since the people already knew me.
I wish I was more resiliant. I’m horrible at life. I’m going to end up not being able to hold a job and of course no female is ever going to want to be with me. UGH. I don’t know how my life is going to get better