My life is a mess because i could not be honest with myself or others.I am 43 and I am an alcoholic. This is my story as I remember it:
I grew up in what I thought was a “normal” childhood. We always did things together as a family. The only vivid memories I have of my childhood is that there was always drinking at family gateherings and once in a while my father would stop at the bar after work and we were not allowed to eat dinner until he got home because we always sat down as a family for dinner. It didn't matter what time he got home, we still waited.
I want to say I had my first drink at 13, but now that I think back that would be incorrect. Starting at the age of 4 or 5 we were allowed a glass of wine at Holiday dinners. We also liked visiting my Grandfather because we always got a small glass of his beer.
So I guess when I was 13 that was my first drunk. Me and a bunch of girls raided our parents liquor cabinets and got drunk on the railroad tracks. As I look back sometimes I have to laugh because my mom thought I was smoking cigarettes. I pretty much became a binge drinker. When I had it I drank it. At around 16 or 17 I would get drunk and not come home for days. I also became sexually active. I became pregnant when I was 19. The father of my daughter wanted nothing to do with me or her. I cleaned up my act and put all my effort into raising my daughter. This lasted for about 4 yrs then I started hanging out at the bars again. Once again getting drunk every weekend. Sometimes making it home, sometimes not. I also did some crack and acid at this time but it was never a real big turn on for me. I continued this binge drinking until I was 26 or 27. This is when I met my husband. He was an alcoholic but at this time I don't even think I knew what an alcoholic was. I was blind to all of the signs. We were not married at this time but lived together. Again the binge drinking on the weekends started again. Then in the spring of 1992 I became pregnant. I quit drinking and had my second daughter in 1993. In 1995 I had a son and was still not drinking. In the spring of 1997 we bought a house and somewhere in the moving process I became pregnant with our 3rd child. I delivered her 3 months premature. Things were good until the end of 2000. I started drinking again and when my husband (we were married in 1998) told me I couldn't drink I just became A closet drinker. I was no longer a binge drinker. I was drinking whenever I could. Well in the summer of 2001 me and the hubby had a huge blowout. We had both been drinking. He left and I got stupid drunk. The curtains on our enclosed back porch caught on fire and to make this long story short, I was taken to jail, the kids were put in foster care and eventually I took a plea bargain. I think it was 2nd degree arson and I was given weekend work release for 6 months. To me this was a gift so I went to AA and stayed sober but I never really worked the program. I was just there.
Now fast forward to 2005, I was drinking again and this time I was drinking everyday. My husband didn't say anything because he was not working and I was supplying the beer and cigarettes. (yes I am also codependent and an enabler) This continued until Sept 2007 when him and my 13 yr old daughter got into an argument he grabbed her and she had him arrested. He went to jail and I drank heavily for 2 weeks thinking it would solve everything. Then on Sept 17th I “woke up” and realized that I wasn't drinking because I had problems. I had problems because I was drinking. So I took my last drink that night and haven't drank since. It has not been easy because right now I am not going to meetings regularly or working my program as I should be. I know that my sobriety comes FIRST because without that I have nothing. My husband did enter rehab in Oct. He got out on Nov.8th and is on an aftercare program 3 days a week(he can't live in this house at this point due to the fact that there is an order of protection and CPS is involved)
So things were going pretty good until Nov 14th. I did something stupid and am now paying the price.
Okay so as I said my husband is an alcoholic who just got out of rehab Nov.8th There is an order of protection in place therefore I knew damn well he should not have been around me and definitely not at the house. But me, the codependent alcoholic, apparently thought I was God.
Let me start by saying my 13 yr old got herself in trouble at school Nov. 14th and that is where all this begins(kinda)First let me tell you that I know all my kids are mixed up and confused. I guess thats why they call this a family disease. I have tried to seek counseling for them but am only now starting to get results. Well anyways, she took a bag of oregano to school and her and some friends tried to sell it as marijuana. Needless to say she is in big trouble at school and was afraid to come home. The reason she was afraid to come home was her father was here a couple of times since he has been out of rehab because he has no transportation to meetings and me the codependent that I am, I took him to meetings. I know it was wrong and I am very remorseful that I did this but I can not undo it. Anyways I went to the police station to support her thinking it had to do with the school incident. It did not. I was read a Miranda warning ( or something like that) and told if I didn't cooperate I would probably go to jail and the kids would go to foster care. I cooperated, more, because i was afraid of losing the kids and less afraid of going to jail. I know it was wrong of me to let my husband in this household and I am so sorry for that but I thought I was helping him stay sober by getting him to meetings. (obviuosly wasn't thinking of my own sobriety) So CPS comes to the station and says my 13 yr old is afraid to come home so she went to my older daughters house
Well, my husband was taken to jail so there is a good chance I will be charged. My 13 yr old was given in school suspension for Nov.15th and 3 additional days out of school and can not come home until CPS gives the ok. I am trying really hard to put my sobriety first, without that I will have nothing. My children are second and this is where I have to be really strong because CPS can decide to remove them from the house because of my stupidity.

Well I got that dreaded phone call, They couldn't even come and tell me in person. I am being charged with child neglect by CPS and my children are being placed. Right now we are working on them being placed with my older daughter because if this doesn't work they will have to go to foster care until me and my husband finish court ordered services which we have not recieved yet. Boy when I screw up I do it good. My husband was released from jail Nov. 16th and now knows the kids were removed.

Can't eat or sleep but somehow by the grace of God and meetings I am still sober. (68 days today)

Could use some prayers and support

1 Comment
  1. Sdstew 14 years ago

    WOW. Hi, my name is Demi and I am an alcoholic and rx addict. I have been sober for 14 years and off the scripts since October 3rd, I think…

    I know how hard of a time you are going through and you're saying all the right things. But it's so hard to put ourselves above our kids. (We had to send our 9 and 11 year old 1700 miles away because we couldn't take care of them emotionally or physically. I won't go into the details 'cause it just PISSES ME OFF!!!! Check out my page if you want the whole story.)

    I read that you are really trying to convince yourself that you have to come first, and, this goes against every motherly, co, enabler, and sometimes just loving instinct. See if this helps. You are trying to become the person/mother you would like your daughter to be. She learns by example. Not always good ones. Now is your chance to be the person that your daughter will admire and love. The one that "picked herself up" and walked on, tall and proud. What's coming is probably not going to be pretty, sounds awful, but you know you can do it, and do it well..The strong Mom in you is part of the best of you, wants to do what must be done, deal, feel, learn and grow!!!! And try to stop with the guilt. If God can forgive you, who are you not to? You are an alcoholic and we do stupid, stoopid, things. Guilt has almost killed me, I think it's good friends with addiction. Best buds, ya know? Addiction you can deal with, not always the right way, but right now, at this moment. you're not drinking. Happy 68 day B-Day! Guilt sneaks up and eats you away from the inside out and meets up with addiction and OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN! 

    (Just so you know, I just figured out that I'm writing to myself as much as I am to you. FREAKY!)

    You don't mention how your husband is doing so I won't go there.  

    But I am here if you need someone to talk to, so don't drink today, and have a beautiful tomorrow.

    Peace and Love,

    Demi 

     

     

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