so do you ever wonder why they always want to change your meds when you are at your worst? like at the moment i the worst of you want to take away the thing thats helping having nothing for a bit and introduce something else! like going off meds altogether for a bit in the vain hope that something might help but likely wont. at the moment it is bad… my therapist basically said i look like shit and it was clear i was exorseted. and i could say the same thing i only sleep when the depression sleep takes over all of a sudden. i constantly have to be moving my legs and restless legs are playing a big part, im taking maginum just to stop the musle spasms because they can get so bad that it reminds me of what it feels like before i have a fit and then i over think all of that and start to panik about it. and if i dont stop it then the panik keeps going and while my brain is off my body isnt. people are notesting this that i dont hear half of what they say or that i miss interpret it, and it not like i can say  i am sleep walking though life at the moment. joy is losted to me for now, i put up my Christmas tree early because that always makes me happy but nothing. i have sat in front of the lights looking at them going you used to make me so happy. my therapist asked me the question i think you all know what question im talking about, are you suicidal. i am not. its not the depression or life that is my enmie its the anxiety. and that we have a long fight ahead, there will be ups and down but i am hopeful that i can beat it one day, not before im 27 but one day.

on top of my break down i have uni. and i have some much stress surounding it. because of dyslexia we are trying to work out a new method of testing me this has been going on for some time now. i am due to meet with some high up people and talk about it. but i dont have the energy to keep fighting for my rights anymore, i am figthing for my saintiy and thats more important to me at this moment. i dont want to leave my room or my bed i have meeting tomorrow and i know they will see, i have know idea when the waes of sleep will come so i dont know if it will come in the meetings. and i know i know that getting out seeing people interacting helps but do i want people to see the person anxisty has made me?

and the worst part is long term. i love my nease and nefue but i dont think i can be physically apart of their lifes for a while. and i am missing out on seeing them grow and being with the people i love most in this world because of anxiety.

if i can make it through till may then i can finish my honours and have a break from school to deal with life.