feeling like theres no point more and more, im not a person, ill never be one, ive never fit in anywhere, some of us die alone cradle to grave, why cant i be one of them, theres nothing special about me, there would be no one to notice if i disappeared just a little more than i already have, people dont remember cowards. i wanst going to bring this up, i just i keep talking to the walls, i dont know what else to do, i wrote a note and i keep it in my pocket everywhere i go, for almost two weeks now, i add to it bit by bit everyday, i dont know how much more i can take, so having it there is sort of like a pressure release, i touch it and i know at any moment im ready, and it worked for awhile, i went to out, movies ,eating, by myself without thinking, because it could be my last movie, it could be my last meal, all i could think was why not, but now, all i can think is why bother, i touch it and as much as its a safety blanket, it now a weight, i can feel it sitting there in my pocket at work, i put my mind on it and go through everything again, everytime i think about it, ive never been a people person, ill never have people in my life the way everyone else does, ill never be that because im this until i die, and being this means being unlikable to everyone, for who i am, not because of anything else, because its my fault, because its too late to be any one else now. i used to think, fine, but its not fine, im not fine with it, but its too late to be anything else, it still feels like an escape, but more and more it feels like thats all there will ever be, i cant stop wondering, why. it cant be healthy, i know its not but there are so few things that i have that feel good, i ask myself why cant i hold onto this one knowing full well its hurting me, but i dont want to let it go, its soaked in more tears than ever knew i could have, it feels like id be letting go of a part of myself and i dont want to be any more alone than i already am