I don’t even no where to start . . .
This has been a horrible week. I am just tired of being tired of being tired. I don’t want to be where I have been the last decade. I don’t want to go where this road is leading me. I must not want it that badly because here I am. I am overwhelmed. I am in pain & emotionally drained. I am FURIOUS with myself. I don’t understand why I can’t find it in me just to do what it is I need to do. I am not in denial about what is at stake. But yet here I am. I have been so blessed. And how do I show my gratitude for these gifts? I continue to do the same old thing. At this moment I hate myself. I’ve never said that before. I want to get well for me And I know no one else can do it for me, but me. I’m not only gambling with my life but my daughters. Here I am. WHY?? I have been in hell for more than a decade now. I want the f*#@ out. I have done things that I never thought I would do. I have become someone I don’t even know anymore. Maybe I never did know.
I thought I had made some progress in my recovery. Apparently I haven’t. Maybe I have since I feel so bad about using this week. Because where I am this week is the EXACT spot I was four months ago when I was arrested. The moment I dropped Mike off at the airport, my next stop would be a dope stop. The cycle would begin &, and it was always the same. I would be up three or more days, instead of using that extra energy to get stuff done that needed to be done. I would tweek. Only making more work for myself in the end. Then the count down would begin. Then I would have so much to do that I couldn’t sleep so I would go get more dope. That’s pretty much the way it went down the night I was arrested.
Sorry, I am not familiar with the Celebrate Recovery process but in a traditional 12 step program you would have a sponsor to help you through this.
The beginnings of recovery rely on your own unflinching honesty with yourself and with someone you are responsible to in your recovery group.
Vic