I made it through October, phew. I was pretty much a mess.

No one should ever have to suffer the loss of a child. I am remind today of all the innocent lives taken in war and in crime. I am grateful that my children that are with me still are happy and besides a lil flu healthy. I am in awe of those around me who suffer so much with PTSD and anxiety and depression and even bipolar who keep going. I did give up for about a year, didnt leave my house. I guess at times i am in awwe of myself. I am strong.

Today I go see my doc to go back on meds. I dont really want to, as I enjoy my mania that comes with being bipolar but do not get along well with the depression and anxiety. The PTSD well there is no med for that. There is just meds to deal with the symptoms. That is work just overcoming trama. I had done all that years ago, i still have my bouts of nitemares fear of doctors, loud noises startle the hell out of me, and i get some tunnel vision. But yeah it goes fast. But this up and down shit is not going away. I guess i have to be bipolar forever. UGH!

Bipolar and alone?? OH shit. What have I gotten myself into? Maybe with meds I can settle down and get some normalcy back in my life. Wait did i ever have that. Oh hell Im a cheat and never satisfied and i think Ill end up alone. Is that so bad? It is when its cold at night. Or your watchin a sitcom alone. Or your friends all have partners and you kick it with a beer alone! Or when you go to a party and everyone is matched up.Or you fill out a form and it says marrital status. DIVORCED! Can I add happily??? Its so quiet! Its so quiet in my head! WTF is that? Nothin in there right now…..how did that happen. Its a good thing, right?

So then i take meds and then what……Ill let ya all know. Am i the only bipolar beezy on this site?? SIGH! In the world??? OMG i heard something in my head… it said and drinkin and smokin and humpin and likin it…bout to bubble baby! I listen to to much tech N9ne! LOL

OH i am all over the board. If anyone reads this and tries to make heads or tails good luck with that. Have a blessed day!