WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO HARD TO GET PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THEY DON’T UNDERSTAND A SHIT!
Hi. I’m 15, almost 16 and I have a hard time dealing with my disease. I am a diabetic. So the thing is I have had diabets for 13 years now, and I hate it more and more for everyday. No one understands, it’s like they don’t even try to understand. And I don’t know how to tell everyone how I feel. Right now, all I can think of is just.. That I want to disappear, I want to get away. Forever. I don’t know how to tell everyone that. My family or my “so called friends”, I can’t deal with it any more. How I ALWAYS have to eat, even if I feel like I’m gonna throw up, or that I have to go to the gym or something to feel okay (I hate to train, )or how I almost wakes up every night because I’m shaking (low bloodsuger), or that I have to pee like almost ever minute when my bloodsuger is high, OR that I have to listen to people talking about diabetes like they know how it is to have it. THEY FUCKING DON’T KNOW! I know, they don’t. Like this weekend, I had low bloodsuger when I was with my class to raise some money for our class cash (don’t know what it’s called, the money your class use to do stuff together), anyway, we were gonna plant a forest (sooo boring) and when you have low bloodsuger you can’t really think straight or walk like a normal person (you look drunk), my “friend”, hated it when I was just looking at everyone else when they did the hard work and I was eating, so she said to everyone, Hey why don’t Clerox (it’s not my real name, i just call myself that heheh) do it? She’s been chilling all day. And I was so furious, if I could I would of helped. IF I FUCKING COULD! But no, I was just chilling. And when I got home, my dad said, Why didn’t you eat anything? And I was like, maaaaybeee because I had already eating everthing I had with me. Which was 2 sandwiches, I one bottle of juice, 1 apple, and this thing called Risifrutti (it’s like some shit made of milk and rise, I don’t really know) and I was so mad at myself for every reason possible, I was so tired of this, this disease. How I always had to be the weird kid, I was sitting and watch everyone else work. And this kind of thing, where people underrestimate diabetes, it happens at least every week. Every damn week. And my sisters, oh my god, it’s not only them it’s everyone, they ALWAYS says, it could had been worse you could have cancer. Like, is that suppose to make me happy? Am I suppose to feel lucky because I don’t have cancer??? YOU CAN’T COMPARE DIABETES TO CANCER! YOU JUST CAN’T!
Cancer, it’s awful I know, but most of the cancer types that exits, you can cure them, you know how to stop most of them before it becomes something bigger.
With diabetes, you don’t even know what happens, yeah the cells stop producing insulin, but we don’t know more. And if we don’t manage the disease know, you’ll probobly die too early, the body won’t work like it should if you fuck up now. I get to handle the consequences later in life and I don’t know when, I have to make everything right now to know for sure that I don’t die at 40. I have to work my ass of 24/7 because of this fricking diabetes, I don’t want to anymore. Many people think and say that by now I should be used to it, I’ve had for it 13 years, but they are so so wrong, everyday just gets harder. I just get more and more exhausted by managing this diabetes. And I’ve had it.
I don’t know what to do, I’m tired of the crap everyone is giving me, I don’t know if I can handle it so much longer. It’s not like I can just forget about it because I’ll die, and it’s just some real bullshit that if I manage it in the best I way I can and do everything right I’ll be normal. I will never be normal, I will ALWAYS be the girl who couldn’t attend the P.E because I didn’t eat enough for breakfast or the girl that hasn’t a normal body (I have small dots on my stomach and my butt), and I will never be like everyone else. Never.
I just want to disappear, I don’t wanna be here anymore. Everyone else’s life would be so much easier. They wouldn’t have to be so exact with the meals, I have to eat breakfast, lunch, something after school, dinner later at night/evening and something before I go to sleep. They could just relax and not think everday and night, I wonder if Clerox’s bloodsuger is okay, I hope she won’t die tonight. But seriously, it would be so much easier for everyone, in school too. They wold have to put in so much interest in me when they don’t even care. And when people in my family (my cousin and her dad to be exact), when they’re like Oh I’m sorry that you can’t come with us to this trip, we don’t know how to handle you and your disease. Or when your friends says, Oh sorry we didn’t invite you to hang with us, we didn’t think you could eat candy or pizza. When people to that to someone, to a kid, to me, the wholw worlds just falls. After these kinds of situations, I don’t want to spend time anyone cause they might think like this.

It would help everyone if I weren’t here.

I don’t want to be managed, I want to be cured. And I want some to tell me that it’ll be alright, that I’ll be alright. I want the hurt to stop and I don’t know how to make it stop. It’s just so hard sometimes, I deal with other stuff in my life too. When I think about my diabetes all the time, I also think about if i’ll be alone in school or not, or that my parents want to celebrate my birthday together or that I should have two birthday parties, I have to think about other stuff then just my disease, but it gets to much. I can’t handle everything on my own anymore. I just need someone, anyone. I can’t deal with this life anymore, I can’t deal with me anymore. I want to stop, I want IT to stop.
1 Comment
  1. otismom 3 years ago

    Wow! There is some serious anger in there kiddo. I hope you are comfortable talking to your parents about how you feel. Most parents would do anything possible to stop their children from hurting. But yes, sometimes parents suck just like everyone else.

    All of us that deal with incurable diseases have at one time or another felt the way you do. Diabetes must suck and I am sorry your were dealt that card. We have no idea what another person goes through on a daily basis. Unfortunately it takes most of us years and years before we finally figure out that we have no right to judge anyone. I think maybe that comes with ‘old age’ 😉

    My wish for you is to find a way to deal with the anger and resentment, to focus on your health and learn to brush off the cruel and insensitive things people say out of ignorance.

    I love my alone time to regroup and talk myself into rising above the people that judge and gossip about me. Good luck!

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