OK, so I know procrastination is an inherent problem with myself. I know this and yet it still manages to find new ways to hurt me. I just got off the phone. It was a short pleasant conversation and lasted less than 10 minutes. I could’ve done it a month ago or two months ago. I would be infinitely better than I am today. However, I am a procrastinator. I’ve been procrastinating on this call for months, so I am not in a good place. I’m behind schedule and there’s nothing that anyone can do about it. I should’ve done some thing about it but I was anxious and worried and put it off. I really need to stop being anxious all the time because anxiety feeds the procrastination and makes days like today where it feels like nothing is ever going to be OK again. I really need to find a better way to deal with my feelings than just putting them aside until they’re over. The whole set a timer for five minutes and work thing is never worked for me. The breaking your goals down into smaller actionable steps also, never worked for me. The asking someone for help with accountability or just presents, also never helped. I need some thing to change. I need to change if I ever wanna get through one of these days without feeling like it’s all gonna fall apart. I am disappointed in myself, and I am dreading talking to my mom. Because I know she is disappointed in me. And as much as I should be holding myself accountable for everything in my life, her being disappointed in me hurts 1000 times more than me being disappointed in me. I don’t care when I’m disappointed in me because it’s almost a state of being, being disappointed in me. But my mom, my mom is disappointed in me I feel like there’s no point of me even being here. My mom wanted a girl, she wanted kids. She wanted happiness and life and love and when I mess up it feels like I’m taking that away from her. So disappointing her feels like the end of my world and disappointing me just feels like par for the course. And this is probably what they mean by developing my sense of self-worth, because I’m just annoyed with myself at this moment.  Later on when I talk to my mom, I’m going to be teetering off the edge of self loathing. This situation viewed through the eyes of my self: It’s just aggravating because I messed up. But the situation view through the lens of my mom… I feel like I just carved out my own heart so someone else can stomp on it. It feels like a failure.