so sad about the way things turned out. my whole life has just been one sad story. i feel so guilty that i couldnt connect to them. i dont remember the first year that they had with me. it was too much to take in. i thought about taking myself out. pulling back was the only way. but everyone else got hurt too.

i thought he would be more understanding though. he wasnt. he was mad. he tried to make me feel worse than i already did. yet this man claims to love me unconditionally as my father? he told me that because i needed time to process all of this that i broke his heart. and he said that he now knows how i felt when my mother walked out on me. I MEAN HOW FKN DARE HE EVEN GO THERE? how dare he even assume he knows a damn thing about how i feel? who the fuck does this man think he is? i didnt see him for 22 years, im all grown up now, and he thinks he can just come into my life, try to change everything, be my dad and treat me like im nine, and when all this freaks me out and i pull back im not met with understanding, im met with anger. im met with a lack of consideration for my feelings. i mean he acted like he was the only one hurt by this. does he think it doesnt hurt me to see all these people after 22 years of never knowing them, logically know that they are my family, but not being able to piece together an emotional connection to these people?

im just up and down. one minute im halfway ok, the next i feel like ripping my guts out, the next im angry, the next im sad. who thought it would even be possible to experience so many emotions at once? but the biggest one is sadness. im just sad. things never work out for me. its like i was doomed from my mothers womb.

im gonna end up laying down and dying one of these days. but thats ok.