In my last post, I talked about feeling worse after talking with my psychiatrist yesterday about an issue in my life.  I want to talk more about it because I think it would be helpful for me.  I said in the last post that I had felt fine emotionally before talking to him but felt bad after talking to him.

First, I want to say those feelings were in no way a result of anything my psychiatrist said.  In fact, he is one of the few people I have discussed this situation with in depth.  I don’t talk a lot about it with other people because I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to about it in my life.

See, the deal is that I’m not happy in my marriage.  This is really hard for me to admit.  I love my husband as a person but we’ve had so many problems (we’ve been married 3 1/2 years and together for a total of almost six years).  We’ve had problems in most areas of our marriage.  He is from a different culture, so there are cultural differences that cause us to argue at times.  We have communication issues.  I’ve got depression and he has anger problems – both of which have caused major problems in our marriage. 

We have financial problems, our work schedules conflict, and I’m also in school. He says that I don’t spend enough time with him because of my work/school schedule (which he is right about – I would like to spend more time with him but work and school are also important too). 

I’m not saying I’m innocent in regards to our marital problems – I’ve argued, said things I didn’t mean out of anger, etc.  I’ve let my depression affect my marriage.  However, the worst thing about all of this is the verbal/emotional abuse.   When he would get angry, he would say the most horrible, mean things to me.  He would say I’m stupid, worthless, make comments about my appearance and body, etc.  He’s apologized a million times over after the fact, but you can only hear those kind of things so many times before they start affecting your relationship. 

I’ve told him how I felt.  To his credit, he is making an effort to manage his anger more positively.  However, sometimes when he does get angry still, he slips back into calling me names and insulting me.  It’s to the point where I think I’ve detached myself from the relationship.  I mean, I love him, I care about him, but I don’t know if this is going to work.

What’s more disheartening is the fact that my psychiatrist told me that marital therapy is only successful in about 30% of couples – and that’s if they’re both invested in treatment.  My husband doesn’t see the point in going to counseling.

So I don’t know where this leaves me.  Like I said, I love him, but I don’t know if things will change.  I’m not perfect and have definitely had my part in this dysfunctional marriage.  I can’t help thinking that this is not the person I married almost 3 1/2 years ago.  He and I both want kids but honestly I worry about bringing kids into a relationship like this.  I don’t want to subject them to our issues.  I know this sounds selfish, but I feel like I’m being cheated out of having kids for that reason.  I’ve always wanted to be a mother.  Right now, I’m young, healthy (aside from the depression), and I’m in a place in life where I could provide for a baby.

So this is what has been bothering me since I left that appointment.  I hadn’t really been thinking about it until the doc brought it up.  I don’t know if leaving this marriage would be for the best or if we should do counseling (which my husband said he would do – if I paid for it because he doesn’t really think we need it).  I’m just stuck right now on this issue.