i want to do it so bad. i don\'t know what the hell is wrong with me. it\'s the most i\'ve wanted to do it for a long time. i can\'t take this shit. i really want to do it so bad. but why? cause it would release some delightful endorphins into my twisted head? cause it would be almost euphoric? cause in my demented mind i would momentarily somehow get some kinda sick satisfaction? fuck that, i made a promise once, and i broke it one time, and i felt so shitty and guilty to the recipient of the promise when i told them. i let them down. not to mention myself. i\'ll somehow get through this. i won\'t disrespect myself or the person i made the promise to. i couldnt take letting them down again.

i will just have to be a fucking man, and get my head out of my ass and stop whining about all of my problems and how hard everything is out here in cali. i havent had my depression med in 2 days now so maybe that is affecting me…idk. all i know is i am doin all i can. i really am doing all i can and more. and i have all these things going on in my head at once, my depression etc., and all these things i have to do out here. idk, should i be able to just suck it up even though i can barely find any motivation at all and i know i need my meds changed but i can\'t get an appointment till atleast  july 8th, among so much other bs i have to deal with as far as insurance, meds, depression, etc. i feel like if i dont do everything perfect(which i am not at all even close), that i will fuck everything up.

in case i didn\'t make it clear…i was referring to self harm. i\'ve ralely done it, but i have. and sometimes it is very tempting.