Well where to start?

I guess I'll just go off what's on my brain at this very minute…I may have given up on most of my dreams but what pains me most is still wanting things I know I can't have and even if I could I could never allow or imagine myself ever being able to manage them in a way that would not destroy it. I'm convinced I've ruined my chance at  having the life I want and I know that in itself isn't helping me but what do you know, I can't help it.

I see someone or something and it pulls at my heart in a bittersweet way. Twisted desire of wanting something I'll never have because of myself. I don't know what love is, I thought I did but now I really don't want to know. I have my perfect view of how things should be but it will never be that way so I've settled for far less than I thought possible for myself. It's sad seeing myself but being my own best friend, I try and lie to myself the best I can. I'm waiting till it only hurts to a certain point, till I can not care about anyone or anything but myself and be independent of everything around me. I feel like I stepped in quick sand but its the slowest quick sand ever. I feel suffocated and stuck in life and I refuse to help myself out. I feel like a bystander to my own life…watching as the same truck hits me over and over, only becoming more broken with every impact.

Deep down inside I want to cry out for help, I want to be normal, I want to be able to talk like everyone else and feel like everyone else. I want it to be like the movies, the television shows, the books. I immerse myself in fantasy and other people's realities and I don't know if its just hurting me more in the end. Giving me more to want after but know I'll never have. For an hour or two I can be in a completely different world and then I'm thrown back to the harsh reality of my failed existence with the rolling of the credits.

I went from being more in love than I ever knew possible to being numb to the whole situation. Only recently have I allowed myself to think about what's happened and only recently have my dreams been playing back to me my inner battles. It's a full on war waging in my head and heart and I'm none the wiser on how to control it.

I desperately wish this were all some bad dream and I'd wake up with new memories and feelings and a new life but its all in vain and it makes me bitter. I can't stand the majority of the people in this world because they are ignorant and therefore mostly blissful. Following the trend, rarely having a thorught of their own and if they do there's always someone there to warp into profit.

I thought love could save me but it was only a temporary reprieve and I'm lost now and I really don't know how much longer I can hold on. I cannot talk to anyone I know about any of this and it pains me because I find myself constantly wishing there was someone who could talk to me but I always feel stupid getting help from other people. Or I just feel even worse because I expect too much and they tell me what I've heard a million times and I'm stuck pretending like I'm going to take their advice and then lose desire to talk to yet another person. The real clincher is that the person I was in love with always knew what to tell and always made me happy no matter what was going on and now I try desperately to find that in someone I already know because I cannot adapt to change. I could never be in a new relationship because I simply would not let myself. The fear of having to get to know another person as intimately as i've know very few people stops me from moving forward in life. I am chronically shy and it hinders me from making connections with people and cripples me.

 

There is so much more than swirls around in my head but half the people who set out to read this will not make it this far. Too much rambling. I hope this site turns out to be a good choice.

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