Every birthday comes around and here I sit in the same place I was the year before. Always depressed and always sad that my mood never changes. Easter is this weekend and I didn’t even know until a few days ago. I knew it was coming but never really looked. I feel out of touch with reality since going on vacation. I can’t get back into the swing of things. Everyday passes like a turn of a page. Unable to retain what my eyes just glanced over. Nothing sinks in. Nothing really feels like it matters. I sit and work and come home and make dinner, maybe do some laundry, watch tv and sit on my computer. Just to go to bed and wake up and go back to work. Life is a horrid merry-go-round. I’m stuck and it wont stop. I have been grown up for so long it seems. I’ve been taking care of myself forever. I want to go back. I want to start over. I want to change some things I thought were the right choices. I want to do better in school, apply myself more. I want to choose better friends. Or at least not make the shitty ones I did. The ones that aren’t around now, the ones that used me time and time again. I want to stick up for myself and tell them to fuck off, I’m not a doormat. I’m frustrated because I cant. I am frustrated because nothing can be fixed about the past, I hafta learn. I have to move on. I have to. I don’t know how to change my frame of mind. I don’t know where to turn or who to turn to. I feel like im floundering in the open water and just waiting to be struck again. Doctors can’t seem to help me. Meds don’t seem to really do much. Talking it thru again and again and again doesn’t seem to get to the bottom of things. How the fuck am I supposed to make things better? I don’t even know what to do next. Shock therapy? I really don’t know. I feel like I’m meant to live this way by this point. Nothings worked so I feel I’m condemned to this body. Stuck with my eternal abuser, my self. My esteem had crash landed sometime in the 4th grade and the crew was escorted off to some POW camp. No one has heard of or seen them since, they could be dead. I’m always tired which is my indication that I am unhappy. I miss my mom and want to see her but don’t know if I can even see her this weekend. Im scared because she’s leaving soon. Moving to Oregon when my brother graduates, which is this summer. She’s all I have and I’m going to be thousands of miles from her. I can’t tolerate the thought of not being close enough to drive in a day. I want to throw a tantrum and beg her to stay. Cry and have a fit. I know that it would not be healthy, I know how selfish it is. I can’t help it. In actuality I feel that I’m still a child, I think of myself as a certain age..not 23 in less then a month. I feel like I should still be living at home, should still be going to high school. I’m stuck in the past because that is where I’d rather be. Irresponsible, yet when I was young I never took advantage of it. I never relished my youth. I was always worried about disappointing my family or friends and not being the ‘dependable one’ and I never did those fun things kids do. I never snuck out. I never stayed out late. I didn’t even drink till I was 21. I want a permanent vacation, like winning the lottery or something. Im tired of feeling stuck and out of control.

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