Alone. That is how I feel as I received news over the phone that I am HIV positive. I couldn't believe it, I cannot believe it. I am still wAiting to wake up and realize it was all just a nightmare and that I am really not what I have been diagnosed. It was so strange to me as I was told over the phone in my office stare well when I took the call. All of these feelings came rushing over me and all at the same time. I was light headed, scared, angry, sick to my stomach, and wanted to just die. I am 23, male, and HIV positive I thought to myself, and then went right back to work as if if there was no difference in my life as I exited the stairwell. A couple of hours later it really set in and I was a complete mess. I did not know what to do and I could not get into the elevator fast enough to cry unseen in the office parking lot. I called my mom because she has always been supportive of anything and when she answered i could not spit out the words i did not want to. I may tell her in time but i didnt want to tell her then, with no information for me to give her, and no one there to console her i did not want her to feel like i was feeling at that moment so i made up something else and told her i loved her. I cried and cried for an hour, pulled myself together and returned to my office and finished the day. On the way home from work I thought to myself how will everything work out? How will I be able to have a relationship? A family? How do I tell anyone this news? Should I tell anyone this news? So many questions come up that I do not have the answers to. All night I researched support groups and chat rooms online and this is how I find this site. I read just about every forum post and many of the blogs and even messaged a couple users with questions. Waking up this morning I feel defeated and less of a person, but in a strange way I feel up for the challenge. Up for the challenge of fighting for myself, for my sanity, and for my chance at as close to a normal life that I can have. Today is day 2, it can only get better right?
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i know EXACTLY what you are going through as i just received my gut wrenching results on 11-27. I did the same as far as research and finding this site, gone through the same waves of emotions, but if you gathered anything from reading and research i hope you gathered that life is NOT over and there is plenty of support, because as scared as i was/am, i have found from other sites, but mainly this site, nothing but support and help in knowing that we are going to be ok. It does and WILL get better!
Thank you all for your kind and comforting words! I cannot tell you how much it helps and soothes my emotions at this time. Thanks for welcoming me into the tribe.