Alone. That is how I feel as I received news over the phone that I am HIV positive. I couldn't believe it, I cannot believe it. I am still wAiting to wake up and realize it was all just a nightmare and that I am really not what I have been diagnosed. It was so strange to me as I was told over the phone in my office stare well when I took the call. All of these feelings came rushing over me and all at the same time. I was light headed, scared, angry, sick to my stomach, and wanted to just die. I am 23, male, and HIV positive I thought to myself, and then went right back to work as if if there was no difference in my life as I exited the stairwell. A couple of hours later it really set in and I was a complete mess. I did not know what to do and I could not get into the elevator fast enough to cry unseen in the office parking lot. I called my mom because she has always been supportive of anything and when she answered i could not spit out the words i did not want to. I may tell her in time but i didnt want to tell her then, with no information for me to give her, and no one there to console her i did not want her to feel like i was feeling at that moment so i made up something else and told her i loved her. I cried and cried for an hour, pulled myself together and returned to my office and finished the day. On the way home from work I thought to myself how will everything work out? How will I be able to have a relationship? A family? How do I tell anyone this news? Should I tell anyone this news? So many questions come up that I do not have the answers to. All night I researched support groups and chat rooms online and this is how I find this site. I read just about every forum post and many of the blogs and even messaged a couple users with questions. Waking up this morning I feel defeated and less of a person, but in a strange way I feel up for the challenge. Up for the challenge of fighting for myself, for my sanity, and for my chance at as close to a normal life that I can have. Today is day 2, it can only get better right?

2 Comments
  1. changed1127 9 years ago

    i know EXACTLY what you are going through as i just received my gut wrenching results on 11-27.  I did the same as far as research and finding this site, gone through the same waves of emotions, but if you gathered anything from reading and research i hope you gathered that life is NOT over and there is plenty of support, because as scared as i was/am, i have found from other sites, but mainly this site, nothing but support and help in knowing that we are going to be ok. It does and WILL get better!

     

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  2. youngjockjay 9 years ago

    Thank you all for your kind and comforting words! I cannot tell you how much it helps and soothes my emotions at this time. Thanks for welcoming me into the tribe.

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