I don't think of myself as an addict. Except when I'm alone and don't have my kids. I drink alcohol to cope with the loneliness and sadness when they are away with their dad. I think I am a better parent than he is, but still I have to share with him. He hasn't worked in 5 years, yet has a college degree from Cornell. He cheated on me, lied to me, and at the end sexually assaulted me.

But that's not the worst of it. The worst was making one decision on a snowy night to leave my mom alone, after tucking her into bed, and going home to my own family. This decision led to her death. Her cold body I would find in the morning. This lead to monstrous phone calls and endless nights.

A year after the divorce papers were served, I was finally free from him.

But a short 2 years later, my drug addicted brother dropped dead. Yes, my younger, alcoholic, drug addict brother.

My life has never been the same and I struggle daily to try to keep it together long enough to make it through the day. I usually fail and end up drinking an entire bottle of wine. Then I feel sick, then tired the next day. I continue working although it's torture to get through the day being hungover and sad. But I do it…repeatedly. Whenever my boyfriend leaves me alone for the night. He has no idea what I do when he's not around. I hide my secret. But he biggest secret is that I wish I had more. Prescription drugs, something stronger that didn't make me feel sick the next day. Just forgetful.

I need help. I've been to numerous therapists to no avail. They just want me to talk but not to help me find solutions to the problems and issues I've been having. Is there no one in Parker who deal with this stuff? I just want help.