Here we go again…

It has been one of those nights again. Iwas up all last night, like most nights I have to say. I can't sleep in the night.It seems to always go the same way, it'sthe same pattern, "ritual" no matter what I do: I go in my bed, I lie there for a little while, I feel my body is tired which is pretty natural, but then my obsessive, intrusive thoughts about "being unclean" starts kicking in. It's like my body is tired, but my mind never sleeps. I start scratching my skin and soon there are blood spots to be foundon my clothes, my sheets (which I naturally have to put all in the laundry basket now). And the next thing I know I am standing in the bathtub naked, freezing, tired holding the hand held shower tight in my hands feeling like a zombie being in a sort of half-awake mood, hesitating to start the water – knowing, I'm not going to get out of there alive another night, yet again. I go back to my bed totally exhausted from anxiety, feeling drained ofall energy after spending hours of showering and just standing in the bathroom. Forced and nailed to the ground by my own thoughts telling me I am not "clean enough" to leave the bathroom yet. I can just feel how all of my body is protesting, shaking, moving with slow steps towards my room after washing myself repeatedly (gosh, my skin is so dry it's hurting!) , scared to faint on the way out.. And when I am FINALLY back in my own bed, feeling almost safe and calmagain, somehow relieved, there is only one thought that crosses my mind: "You gave in again, you will never be free. Prepare yourself for the next night."

So yeah, I guess you can say it has been a rough night… What I wouldn't do to have just ONEnight of peace!


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