I am scared.

Hello again everyone, its been a long time since I've been on here. I've been absolutely terribly busy with to many things of late.

First of all, I did drop my PhD project in Cyanobacteria. I was going to do another project, this time in climate change and health, and I got an offer of admission for it, but, the transfer of scholarships were not successful. They didn't really give me a reason actually, just that I didn't need some of the criteria or something. So… considering that I'm an international student and each year the fees would be about AUD$27,000+++, I don't think I can afford 3 or more years of that. And honestly, I haven't really told anyone this, but I'm kinda jaded of doing a PhD.

This is my 3rd attempt at it and I feel like I've… failed in a sense. I know that I didn't actually fail in it, but some part of me feels like that. Perhaps its the way I was brought up. I wonder as well, whether its just that I'm not meant to do a PhD now… or maybe I'm just not meant to do a PhD ever. Its weird I think… cause I think I've always expected that I would do one, and I have this feeling that everyone expected the same of me, though I'm not actually sure if they do.

So now, I'm applying for a Master in Public Health at different unis. The inital plan was that I would do my PhD, then work and save up some money and THEN do the masters. But it seems that life has other plans. But, I'm scared man… I'm really scared. I'm scared of chasing my dreams. Its… absolutely terrifying. The prospect that I might fail at it as well is…. terrifying. I guess, I didn't expect that my scholarship transfer would fail, and now that it has, I'm also not so confident about getting into the masters course.

I was wondering the other day that perhaps this whole PhDs episode was to teach me not to plan too far ahead and not to expect too much. When hope falls, it seems to drop into infinity.

Other than the anxieties of an uncertain future and the prospect of not being able to pay my fees even if I do get into the masters course, the christmas holidays are coming up again. The people in the Batcave and the Dungeon want a get-together kinda thing. I've never been a fan of eating out, especially at restaurants, and I was suggesting things like pot-luck at someone's place or a picnic or whatever, but in the end, it seems thats its going to be dinner at a restaurant. This might sound weird, but it scares me a lot!! My brother was also telling me about my eating out phobia these 2 days and how I should try to overcome it. I don't deny it at all, and I do realise that avoiding it isn't going to make it better. … I also keeping wondering these 2 days, "where has all my strength and courage gone?".. I think back to a few months ago when I actually did go to a restuarant and with a girl at that! Back then, I was even thinking that maybe I could really give going on blind dates a go. But now, I seem to have shrivelled back in again. .. sigh.. The holidays always give me the anxieties…

Stress, anxiety and a bad tummy… they make me scared and make me wonder, am I cracking? These 2 days occasionally I've felt like… like I'm overcome with emotion, and that I should be crying.. but.. I can't cry [like physically I can't cry] and then.. the feeling goes away… it comes back again occasionally.. but its… strange…

In any case, I hope you all are doing well