I’m not sure what spurred me to upload this but as Christmas rolls around and the festive season is here I can’t help but feel really alone.
The last six weeks or so I’ve been struggling with crippling anxiety and depression (I’m self diagnosing based on many red flags), probably been in a much more deep and darker state in the last week or so. I find myself crying a lot, feeling fatigued, restless and lonely. Oh so very alone. I have good friends, who talk to me as often as they are able to. But there comes a point where you don’t want to keep bombarding your friends with your feelings and thoughts, especially when you’re feeling really low about yourself. No good friend wants to see you like that.. hence I’ve shut that part of me down and won’t talk about it to anyone.
I haven’t been suicidal but I won’t deny there are moments during the day where the thought pops up and I wonder what it’d be like to not be here.
I find some days are better than others, some days I cope better and some days I can’t get out of bed. I don’t take any medications and haven’t been officially diagnosed with anything but as a nurse I can see red flags and recognise that I do have some issues that can be detrimental if not taken care of.
I believe mental health is like physical health.. you can treat diabetes and hypertension, so I believe depression and anxiety needs to be treated the same way. You may not see it but it’s just as important, maybe more so.
Ive taken at least two weeks off work, which brings with it the guilt and shame that I can’t function like I normally do. I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform and I am extremely professional and I always put in 110% at work. But I just couldn’t and can’t go to work.. I find it hard to focus on myself yet alone sick premature neonates and their stressed and anxious parents. I work in the special care nursery/high dependency unit as a neonatal nurse and I’m studying my masters degree in neonatal nursing .. with a hope to get into medicine eventually. I say this with pride because I’ve worked so hard to get where I am. But then..other side of it is .. I’m struggling to work and be the ambitious person I know I am and can be. Depression does not discriminate and it can take on all forms and affect each individual differently.
I don’t know who will read this and that’s ok it just felt in some sense .. a release to type it out.
hope everyone takes care of themselves