Where to start, is the question of the day. Do to the early start of my addiction and the lack of self worth my body has taken a beating as a driect result of my addiction…. Mainly my teeth. this has and continues to hinder me in many ways.

  It has affected my courage in every area of my life. I dont like meeting new ppl, in fear they might judge me. See that is one of my defects, fear of rejection. Even though I have yet to be judged by the ppl I have surrounded myself with, it stops,me from wanting to meet new ppl face to face. I can meet and talk to ppl on the net real easy. There is a sence of control there I guess…. In fact as of here lately it has isolated me to my room and the net. ( which yes i realize it is not good for me.) I really would like to change but for the moment i have not done what i know to do. (yes this to shall pass..)

  Yet  most trying factor it has affected is my courage to meet women and or share my true feelings about one inparticular. There is one in my net work that I care about deeply. However, I can't find myself to let her in on how I feel about her. I can justify my fear in sooooo many ways it aint real. ( but then addicts try and justify everything)…  

  She (erica) knows alot about me as I know enuff about her. we share alot in common, and I'm affraid that if I let her know my true feelings she would not accept them. I dont want to hinder the relationship we have built. It seems like she is always picking the wrong ppl to call her partner. ( something she freely admitts)..I would give up just about everything  in order to have even a slight chance with takeing it to the next level  with her, but hell i cant seem to find myself to tell her how i feel.

  It has affected me in other ways as well. I cant seem to stand up for myslef the way one should in certian postitions in life. I want to act out in rage all the time when confronted with simple malfunctions in life, and or I simply just allow ppl to wallk over me as long as it dont affect me physically. I bury my emotions sooo fucking deep, I dont think they will ever resurface. I have wanted to cry since Just after my 6 months, however I can't. Every time I even remotely think I am going to cry I shut off my emotions… I have been hurt so many times in Life, I have become an expert at shutting the emotions off even before they want to start.

  So I guess the next question is, When does the pain get great enough to change? This is a hard question for me to answer. I have been acustome to buring the pain for so long. I cant seem to get enough Pain in this area of life (so it seems). I Have been around enough to know that " If Nothing Changes…. Nothing Changes.

   So as a possable answer to this problem, In theNew year to come I am going to Attempt to change. As of now I am not going to allow ppl to walk over me, I'm going to trust god and let go. I am not sure as what to do about my feelings for Erica, So I will Pray and wait for the answers……. More Will Be Revealed………………….