I'm so so tired of feeling, I'm extremely grateful that I am abstinent and I am blessed to be free from the obsession and compulsion around food but I am absolutely sick and tired of feeling
battered by my thinking and feelings. I am doing everything that is suggested, weighing and measuring my 3 planned committed meals a day
from the greysheet, picking up the phone, getting to a face to face Greysheet, AA or even OA meeting every day, sharing honestly with my
sponsor and other Greysheet members, praying, taking step 10 inventory, writing gratitude lists, reading, being of service to others, having bedroom slipper days but not isolating. I just want this pain to go away, I just want it to
stop, it's been a week now and I pray that God graces me with aplateau soon. I want what those with solid abstinence all have so desperately, I have the willingness to carry on and ride this
storm I sometimes get so frightened that I'm not going to make it.

My sponsor tells me that all the stuff I'm feeling is years old stuff that I've never allowed myself to feel because how I leant to cope
was by compulsive eating, by pushing it all down. This feels like such truth to me. As a child I wasn't given the chance to emotionally grow up and because of my addictions I haven't been able
to give that to myself as an adult. I feel like I am at the beginning of that journey. I am so angry that my parents couldn't give me that opportunity, and I learnt and understand through working a program in AA that they did the best they could with what they had but it's becoming clear to me now being abstinent that their best
wasn't good enough to raise me into a healthy young women. I had to learn from a very young age to fend for myself and although physically I did that, emotionally I couldn't cope and turned to
external things to numb the feelings of rejection, abandonment,failure, not being good enough, feeling unloved and uncared for and
all the other stuff that comes with having a dysfunctional family life. Although I know it's not true because all this stuff is coming out I feel dirty, damaged and broken beyond repair and I feel unsafe feeling all these feelings. I feel really little in a massive huge world. I feel like I want to hide somewhere safe but I don't know where safe is anymore. I pray to God this is my final surrender and that I can be set free.

I got very upset when I starting writing this message and had to go for a walk and phone my sponsor again hysterically crying, I made
some more outreach calls and managed to speak to another greysheeter too, both helped. I'm so grateful that people take time out of their
day to support and love me through this, there is absolutely no way I could get through this on my own.

I have lived my whole life as a grubby fat caterpillar and by getting abstinent through greysheet I feel like I'm going through
metamorphosis, I'm going through the struggle of breaking out of the cocoon to become the beautifully formed butterfly God always intended
me to be.

My instincts are telling me that I'm in the crescendo and I just need to hang on in there because it is going to pass soon. If you believe
in God please pray for me.

NO MATTER WHAT

1 Comment
  1. Grafted_In 14 years ago

    Go with your instincts, Hang on, it will pass. I do believe in God, Prayers have been sent……..

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