Well I found out something that has me wondering. I guess I am a runner…. I was at a step study a few weeks ago and they were on the 5th step. I am far from that step and yeah I think it did me more harm than good.
'As they went over thier step work I sat in and got some real good self insite, I was able to listen to them and internalize to of thier experience and hope. Which is always a good thing in the program. This was not the first time I was at this sponser tree family meetings. In the end they opened the floor for burning desires, and thats where I shared what had happened to me in Tampa, as far as staying clean.
In tampa I went through 3 sponcers and stay clean for 2.5 yrs, so Idid something right…….. However when I said that I had went through 3 sponcers they called me a runner.
Now here is the porblem, I'm not sure if my reasons are valid or they were right about me being the runner. The first one I had I didnt like the way he went over the step work with me. He chose only a few questions of the step and i shared my answer from memory not what I had written. I felt robbed of something so I chose to look for a new one….. Apon finding a new one i had been working the steps the way I believe and have been told was the right way. Answering each question as I had written them down… As time went on I saw him drift away from the program. He now has 8 or 9 yrs clean but was not making meetings. He to was a transplant to Tampa and wa having a hard time getting involved. Through my personal struggels i had lost the means to be able to contact him when I needed him most. My only means of contact with him was in the meetings which he was drifting away from…… So to resolve that I had been watching a gentelman go through some shit and he kept comming back no matter what…. And that was what i wanted so I asked hime to be my sponser. He agreed to do so and we got to work. Now with the second one and the first one i restarted back on step 1, with my 3rd on we wnet over the first three steps from the previous ones and I moved on to the 4th step.
Now I understand that an addicts famous line it I KNOW I KNOW,but I DONT KNOW, has become mine.. Theres a list of things that I can tell about me not knowing that is longer than I am tall……..However IT IS WHAT IT IS, and who am I to tell help how to help me……… So today my sponser knws I have been a so called runner. Now if he can help me with that thats cool if not I hope he can guide me in the direction of someone that can…………As time rolls on I see that I can complicat the holy hell out of things and yeah I need to stay on the old saying……KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID