I have a very hard time talking about my depression. A number of factors make it logical (to me) to keep my feelings inside.

One, I am a ridiculous perfectionist. Like, to the point where I don't speak often. I am constantly editing myself, in print and in voice. One of my greatest anxiety points is fear of looking like a fool. I want to be perfect at everything that I do, the first time and without struggle. Needless to say, I will never be happy with that mindset.

The perfectionism is an extension of my fear of being a burden on others. As a child, I hid my desires and feelings, and did everything I could to not be a bother to anyone, regardless of how they treated me. I am not sure if it was out of a genuine desire to protect others (though, a smal, quiet nine year old girl is hardly something one would need protection from), or to just disappear completely. I have relaxed a lot with age, but I am still helpful and prompt and will do anything to make another person happy. I want to be emperically better than anyone else and loved and saintly. Anything less, and why should I exist?

I am very aware of how unhealthy and illogical these thoughts are. Years of therapy has taught me to identify my twisted thinking. But I was never able to change those thoughts. It always seemed so uncomfortable and fake to say to myself "no, you are not disgusting or a bad person because you are overweight" or "calling yourself an idiot for making a small spelling error in a text message makes no sense" and on and on. Maybe I was doing it wrong. But I cannot seperate my flaws from my sense of self. That can't be that wrong or uncommon. If I am a bad at basketball, then I can safely say that I am probably bad at sports and physical activities. I have evidence. Is it wrong to view the world that way?

Wow. That got a little out of control. I think I will end now. I do feel a little better. It's been months since I have put my thoughts and feelings out there like this. Thanks for reading, if you have. 🙂

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