I’m still all mixed up spiritually, that hasn’t changed. I go back and forth between Jesus and Allah like I’m bipolar or something. Deep down, I know it is Jesus who saves. But that doesn’t stop Allah from pulling me in. I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions. My past, my memories, tell me that I must put all my trust in Jesus, there is no other Lord than He. My present, my current experience is telling me to put my trust in Allah, for the past is past and Jesus is not here. I’m going to challenge that thought by saying today I came closer to feeling Jesus’ presence than I have in fourteen years. Then why am I still being pulled towards Allah? I don’t understand it one bit.

I had a pretty bad psychotic episode on our way home from the valley today, and the whole time I called on Jesus to help me. I got through it, and am feeling pretty good right now. Frankly, I’m so exhausted from the episode that all I want to do is sleep. But I’m hungry, so I’m eating some yogurt with muesli. It’s a delicious and highly nutritious snack. My husband is so good to me, he’s always here with me when I need him. We went to the valley today for lunch. We had considered going to the bookstore, but instead just decided to roam the country roads. I was disheartened by the number of orange cones I saw, but I must say I’m not surprised. The stupid things are everywhere. And I mean everywhere.

So I don’t know what to do about this Allah vs. Jesus nonsense. If Allah is who He claims to be, then how in the world do you explain my spiritual experiences of Jesus in my youth? I had profound experiences of Jesus and the Holy Spirit. And why, in the Islamic prayers, do we send blessings upon Muhammad and his family? If Muhammad is already in Jannah, what need does he have of our blessings? I don’t understand it. Like I said, I felt closer to Jesus today than I have been in fourteen years, so I’m going to ask him to guide me. I don’t know what to do about Allah.