I haven't been on here for a while because I was doing better and thought I was getting into a normal routine. I was reading my facebook home page and there were comments from my friends in uni from my old degree who have just posted about how they have just got jobs as doctors in hopsitals. I found myself sitting there thinking that should be me. And then a voice in my head started screaming 'DROP OUT, FAILURE, LOOSER, WASTE OF SPACE'. And then that turned into 'FATTIE, UGLY, STUPID, LAZY,' and then a whole load of other words after that.
I felt awful and realised that this had not happened since my depression first started. I happened even realised that I was getting depressed again, and I had lost control of my own thoughts. Whilst these words were being screamed at me, all I could picture was my Dad's horrible voice and nasty, snarling face. I started to feel paniky, overwhelmed. And then my own voice shouted as loud as it could 'STOP!' It was like I was watching a play in my head, of me and my dad (or my projection of my dad's voice coming from my lips) screaming and battling to win. I listened to the STOP, and then heard DT, GO TO DT. So here I am, probably sounding a little crazy, but a lot calmer.
Reflecting on how my life has been recently, made me realise one thing. I was slipping back into bad habits. The last few days I have been really emotional and feeling like I am not good enough, I dont deserve my bf, I am an awful girlfiend to him (I mean, I even forgot it was Valentine's day!). And the ironic thing, I have spent the last month, learning a new skill to teach to the kids I help at the youth group I volunteer for and they have just won the competition they entered, that I taught them for. I had done really well with them, to teach them from scratch an entirely new skill set and do better than 5 other teams competeting against them! But I hadn't even stopped to acknowledge how good a job they did, how good a job I did, how good it felt to have got something good. THIS was the old bad habit I was slipping into. And i finally realised, that I need to take time to accept and let it in sink in what has just happened instead of dismissing it like my dad would do when I was younger. I think I need to go do some reflecting, and meditiation. Thanks for reading my blog, and I hope you are all well.