I’m suffocating.

I’m slowly being squeezed to death.

I can’t live like this, my family can’t keep me locked in a box tied with chains in an underground vault somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

I can’t. I just can’t. I’m going to lose it. I feel trapped in the place that was once my safe place.

I’m so angry and frustrated and powerless.

They treat me like if something touches me physically I’ll shatter into a million pieces, but emotionally they have.

I know they’re just afraid of the worse, they’re scared I’ll be hurt and I get that they are protective and just want me safe, but it’s hard.

I have to watch my brother get all the freedom he could ever ask for. He wants to walk ten miles down the road? Sure! He wants to walk through the woods that I’m not allowed in cause of the bear and bear traps? Go ahead! Wants to walk around the fair by himself? Why not?

I can only go down to the end of the field, forbidden to go in the woods and I can’t go anywhere alone. Not even the damn store!

I can’t talk to them about it, I can’t face them. I’ll go into a panic attack.

I’m just going in circles, hitting walls everywhere I turn.

Earn their trust! They’d have to give me a damn chance first.

Become athletic! No private place plus too embarrassed exercise in front of others. Not to mention good chance of asthma.

Talk to them! Too scared.

Sneak out! Grandma sleeps in chair beside me and rarely sleeps through the night.

Learn self defense! Not athletic enough.

Prove to them I’m just as good as my brother.

But I’m not. They’ve made that clear. I’m not athletic, I’m not reliable, or responsible, I’m fat, I’m a wimp, I’m lazy, I’m a mental mess, a coward, cruel, stupid, useless, not as important.

I wish that they would say it out loud. I want an excuse to leave, to run away. I just need a push. One. Just one. I WANT them to, I need to blow.

I’ve never blown up in the past, never had the courage or felt like I was allowed an opinion. I don’t want to be my father. But sometimes I don’t care.

Even in an “argument” with my parents, I was shaking with fear and crying and could barely get my voice up loud enough to hear.

That anger never left. It’s still in my gut, burning. It makes me physically sick. I’ve tried letting it go, but it just comes back.

I feel like I’m just running in circles, desperately looking for a way out. I’m trapped in a cage, but I can’t find a way out, and I don’t know what to do.

How do I face them? I have to do it eventually, but I panic.

I’m in the way of the person I want to be, I need help. Professional help.

I need it, but can’t get it. How do you tell the people that are expecting you to be perfect you are fucked up in the head? They probably wouldn’t even believe me.

I’m dying inside, but I can’t do anything about it.