11:26 am 7/23/09 Thursday
I hate admitting my chronic anxiety even to myself. I feel uncomfortable with admitting the truth to myself. I would prefer to ignore and deny my chronic anxieties and deal with it by running away and distracting myself by watching tv, mindless surfing, frittering away time on unimportant minor errands. Writing in here helps me to face reality, and to stop running. I don't know why writing a blog works better for me than writing a journal. I have written in journals but I am inconsistent but somehow writing in a blog has been more fun, more satisfying, knowing that what I write may be read by others. Maybe it is a way for me to break out of my isolative shell even though it is somewhat indirect.
I still feel some anxiety writing in here because part of me feels like I have so many things I need to work on that I am running behind. on. It's this panicky sense of never having enough, whether it's time, money, love. There is a chronic sense of panic that I am going to run out of what I need to survive. It's a primal fear that gnaws at me constantly.
11:31 (five minutes of blogging, I like to keep track of how long I have written in here because I want to blog a minimum of twenty minutes per day).
My therapist wants me to try to just observe my anxieties, to take a more meditative detached view of it. Easier said than done. But a laudable goal nevertheless.
I also seek relief from above, from God. I am a Christian who tries to be devout but falls short. I really believe that God's grace can help ease the burden. My burden is easy, my yoke is light. Help me find courage, God.
11:34 (eight minutes of blogging).
Just wasted 20 minutes reading blogs like Wall Street Journal when I should have been working. when I read the news, it has a hypnotic calming effect which keeps me hooked. I need to break the trance or I'll waste a lot more time hypnotized reading news websites. , Help me to snap out.
12:24 pm (ten minutes of blogging)