One week.

It’s been one week, at the time of this writing, when I decided to change my life around.

Man… what a crazy week it’s been.  I think I’ve had more panic attacks, more suicidal thoughts, more workouts, and more….. “living” in the past week than I’ve had in the past six months combined.

I believe I’ve taken some amazing steps forward in health (going from smoking a pack per day to barely any or none), responsibility (everything from organizing my finances to mailing things), and discipline (cleaning up after myself, not eating junk food of any kind, and maintaining this blog thing).

I’ve also taken steps backwards in my overall mental stability (I’ve cried and had panic attacks every single day, multiple times per day), and my relationship with my wife (I was very much overbearing, which put too much stress on her).  The great irony is that in order to be attractive, I have to not be desperate.  That’s fucking HARD to do, and one of the things I have to work on…. because I have absolutely been the definition of desperate recently.  I have to “not care” about the person I care the most for in this world.

 

Knowledge and Time will help.

 

That brings me to the “Goldy’s Equation of Success” that I’ve had forever…. but never actually followed for anything that truly mattered in life.

Knowledge + Effort + Time = X

“X” is whatever you want, really.  A skill, or a job, or a relationship, or…. whatever.  If something isn’t working, you just need to add more of something from that equation.

Right now, I’ve got the most amount of effort I’ve ever given something…. but I don’t have the knowledge, and there hasn’t been any time.  With those other two things, the chance of “X” happening might just be pretty good.  What is “X” for me, you ask?

Is it to get my wife back?

No, it’s not.

It’s to live happily with my wife, and her to live happily with me.  It’s not the single act of us getting back together; it’s the day-in and day-out LIVING together in some kind of love and harmony.  That’s what I’m after…. and that’s what I’m preparing for.  It’s the rest of our lives.

 

So yeah… I’ve had lots of setbacks.  I’ve had to reset a lot as well.  I’ll continue to go through that, because the path between “where I am” and “where I want to be” is definitely not straight.  And that’s okay, because I will keep moving forward.  I will keep pressing on.  I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, and climbing.

 

 

 

Side note:  I also have a shooting pain in my left arm (tricep area)…. it feels awful when I try to lift weights.  Oww.

1 Comment
  1. jjforman92 8 months ago

    This I can understand. Your awareness is probably helping you more than you think. I went through weeks of horrible anxiety and panic attacks before my daughter was born. It felt so unhealthy and dangerous and its still a struggle.

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