11:01 am 8/4/09 Tuesday

I am on the cusp of trying to change my neglectful habits and trying to do some self maintenance and part of me is resentful and terrified of changing and growth. I cling to what I have always done even when it isn't working. There's a saying that insanity is when you expect change even when I contnue to repeat the same unsuccessful patterns. That's me. I want change and growth but feel frozen and paralyzed when i try to do something healthier.

Wriing in this blog helps me to shift my intrapsychic state a little. I feel less paralyzed and less rigid by writing in here. I don't know exactly how or why that happens but it encourages me to keep writing. I want to thank everyone who has offered comments on previous blog entries. Those comments encourage me greatly,

I saw my therapist yesterday and talked about how my wife got so angry at my negativity that she didn't want to take her antidepressants unless I try to change and try to be more positive and try to do some of the things I have been procrasinating. When she doesn't take her antidepressant supplements , she really regresses and becomes neglectful of the kids and paranoid that I am cheating. It really scares me how fast she goes downhill when she stops taking her supplements. Her ultimatum forced me to work on something I had been procrasinating on for three months and to stop avoiding it. We made a bargain that I would work on what I had been avoiding if she would continue to take her supplements. So far the bargain has been holding up and I have actually started to work on some of the projects that I had been neglecting. I seem to work on things only when my back is up against the wall.

11:11 am