I am 56 years old and here I sit at work having an anxiety attack! Geez! I hate these things! They overtake me and keep me stuck! Stuck, stuck, stuck! Stuck in the freaking middle of these feelings that overcome me and that I can’t escape from. I need drugs. I have drugs but I need more drugs! My mail order supply is on the way but it will still be a while before they get here. It takes an act of congress, as the old saying goes, to get them to give me something in the meantime. I have been calling for four days now!

I sit here in my heightened state of anxiety and worry about everything. Why do I have to be a worrier? Why can’t I control it? I hate it!!!! My therapist says I worry about what I will worry about next. That may be true.

The things I am stressing about are completely ridiculous. Why would they make me anxious? What is wrong with me? I have been a widow for two and a half years and for some reason I think I should be ready to date but I am not ready to date. The thought just freaks me out! Because I thought I should be ready I joined one of those online dating things. That was a mistake! I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to even think of somebody like that. I felt like I would be cheating on my husband!!!! I know technically I would not be but that is how I feel. The dating thing is more than I can handle. Glad I only had a three month subscription; it is now over and I am very glad! Whew! That is one less thing to worry about. So, I ask myself, why am I still in the middle of an anxiety attack?

I am trying here to talk myself out of this anxiety state but so far it is not happening. I know I have some real things I should be worrying about. I have surgery on my foot for the third time scheduled next week. I have been trying for days and days and days to get someone to tell me what time it is going to be. It is not like I can drive myself there and back. I need to know and I need to know now. Dern it! Someone will have to make arrangements to take off work and take me. Don’t they know that???????

Then I have these hateful side effects from that horrible migraine medicine that I am dealing with. I am afraid to tell my surgeon about them because he may call off the surgery and I am tired of living in pain. Would my having trouble swallowing cause any complications with my surgery? I think not. I hope not anyway! I went to the speech therapist yesterday. No one can tell me when it should get better. I had to swallow 4 times just to get applesauce down my throat. I have to have some kind of modified barium swallow to see if they can find some other cause for it. It is scaring me really bad. I thought I was going to have to call 911 Sunday because I could not get the food down, even after drinking lots of fluids. Then there are the other side effects which cause me more distress as well as pain. I keep wondering if I should bring a lawsuit against the drug maker or my doctor. No one told me I could even up with swallowing problems. I signed a consent for all kinds of stuff but not the swallowing. My doctor said that it may have been a bad batch of the medicine because the other patient he administered it to on the same day is having alot of the same problems I am, just not the swallowing. Difficulties swallowing is listed on line as one the very SEVERE side effects that can happen. At least I got some medication to help with some of the other disturbing side effects. I just want to know when is it going to end? Is that too much to ask????

OK, enough is enough. I need to get myself together and stop this freaking freaking out that I am doing.

1 Comment
  1. MaryJane 10 years ago

    Thank you Madhatter. I appreciate the thoughts. I do overwhelm myself with too many things at one time. I just haven\'t learned how to stop it yet.

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