Have you ever felt like you were no better than a roach running along the sideboards of a wall, trying to stay in the darkness so noone will see you and step on you? When I first found out I was HIV positive, that\’s how I felt. Like I needed to live my life in the shadows. I felt like a vampire trying to stay in the darkness and not letting the sun hit me.
I\’ll tell, being diagnosed with HIV is a real ego killer. That\’s especially bad when you didn\’t have that much of one in the first place. It\’s hard to know how to deal with people when you first start out. You don\’t know how people are gonna react to the revelation that you have the "Dreaded Disease". People say you\’re still the same person you always were but, inside you don\’t really believe that. Inside you feel as though your whole world has been changed and stereotypes you didn\’t believe in before, suddenly seem become real. I know this is new to me and that I will get better and I will have a good life, but it\’s that "in between" time that is a stumbling block to me. The time between now and when I start feeling and getting better. I always seem to get hung up on the between moments. It\’s not that I don\’t see the future, it\’s just that I worry too much about getting there and what I have to go through to get there. My mom used to tell me when I was little that I think too much. There may very well be something in what she said. I guess it\’s gonna take a bit of time and handholding to get me from now to that "future" stage. I guess if I can refrain from thinking too much, I might be alright.