I think my new therapist is potentially a genius. She hit me with something today I had never really thought about.

I think of myself as very confident and able to do absolutely anything I set my mind to…I love to strive to do things, build things, accomplish things. Given this, more and more I think of my despression as a disease which I cannot really think my way out of…it just moves inexorably forward. I do not have anything to be depressed about. I just do not see the reason for doing..well…almost anything.

..but I may be feeling this hollowness because within all my activities, I am still neglecting my self. I never tell myself "You are really good at this" or "It is amazing that you are able to do such and such". Those words are so empty and trite sounding to me you cannot believe it. I guess I don't have any idea how to feel joyful, how to just be happy, and she says these two are very much linked together. She tells me that even when I am describing an accomplishment I am being very negative about it…that I seem to believe since I know I am able to do it,  it is nothing to be joyful about.

It's confusing, but I am going to try…something, not sure what. I really loathe people who feel sorry for themselves and are always down on themselves. But it looks as if I am doing the same thing all the time and just do not know it? Sounds ridiculous to me.

Dear Self: "Wow, its really great that you took the time and energy to write about this, hoping it might help other people and even help you distill down what went on in therapy today. This kind of positive action might really make it stick."

Ok, I wrote it………………..it still feels hollow.