Honestly I don’t know what to say anymore. Life was going fine, until she came along, she made it excellent but horrible all at the same time. I’m not in love with her anymore, she was never in love with me, and now we can’t even be friends like we use to be. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, but supposedly she’s not happy with how things are going. I don’t know what to do anymore, I want to forget about her, but my other friend is friends with her and doesn’t like to constantly chose between us, which is valid. I just want to do what’s right for me, but I don’t know if I can in this situation.

 

She says it’s unpleasant

I say it always was unpleasant

It’s the unpleasant gloss that was coating my eyes

The let me see her as pleasant

 

The gloss was cleaned off

It opened my eyes

To see what she did

How she treated me

 

Not bad

Not good

A good kinda bad

An unfair justice

 

That gloss controlled me

Fake reality

Was all I saw

The lie of truth

 

Love

 

The only true love

Is the fakest love

The hatred of love

The evil of love

 

The sharp arrow of cupid

Stabbing the one in love

Destroying the one that should be loved

Breaking the one’s around

 

She says it’s unpleasant

I say it’s unpleasant

She says it’s unpleasant to try and fix

I say it’s unpleasant to let it be

 

I did what she wanted

I did what we wanted

I did what I wanted

I did what  I needed

 

I need what she wanted

She needs what I wanted

She wants what I don’t have

I wanted what she would never have

 

Two different arrows were shot

One of romance

One of comrade

Which will never collide

 

Now what I want

Is honest love

Not the lies of love

Can she give that?

 

She wants one sided love

Honest love

The truth of how love really is

Can I give that?

 

Don’t talk about what you want

This is about me

What I want

What I can handle

What I need

 

I want you to be there for me

I want you around

I don’t care about you

This is about me

 

“Stop talking”

“Please, stop talking”

“Don’t tell me that.”

“Just come back to this.”

 

This life of a me having you

But you not having me

You hurt me

I never wanted to hurt you

 

Trust the truth

You hurt me

I hurt you

We never wanted to hurt each other

But we will need to change

 

Things don’t change

We don’t sacrifice for each other

We sacrifice for ourselves

For ‘love’

 

I came back because I want you

Because you love me

And I want love

So in return, you get my love

 

Hopeless

Silent speech

I was forced to

It was your choice

 

I would have created hope

Communication

It’s your choice

I won’t force you

 

I feel like she just trapped me in a box with all our problems and locked it shut, and the only way I can get out is if I leave the box and personally carry all the problems everywhere I go. Yet, no matter what she’s never gonna take on any of the shit she has caused, that will always be something I have to work through on my own, this guilt I have to hold onto me, because I will never be able to hear from her that she caused some of the problems too.

3 Comments
  1. lightweaver 3 years ago

    If the two of you aren’t a couple, then you need to walk away. Your mental and emotional well-being are key and priority for you at the moment. When you love someone you always have their best interests at heart. Obviously she doesn’t have your best interests at heart, or so I gather from your blog. Before you invest anymore time, or effort, you need to cut your losses and walk away. You can’t mourn for something you never really had. A wise friend I knew would always remind me that there is no “ownership” in a relationship. It hurts only if you let it .

    Hope this offered you some comfort.

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  2. Author
    emilie4 3 years ago

    Honestly that was extremely upfront, but so true, the truest thing anyone has ever said to me about this whole situation, so thank you. Considering, that she was my best friend, I sometimes wonder if I was just being dramatic through this whole thing, and I think that maybe I should just get over it so we can be friends again. I feel like I am a victim, but then I feel guilty for feeling like I’m the victim because I’m probably not, I just interpreted everything the wrong way. But regardless, like you said my emotional and mental well-being is priority, and those aspects of my life have definitely been suffering through all this, and affected other aspects of my life too. I have kinda decided to be done with our friendship for the time being, until she makes an effort of some kind (I will cross that bridge when that time comes), it has been just one day and it’s been a little weird, taking myself out of the friend group, but I was definitely happier today.
    Thanks again for the response, it meant a lot.

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  3. lecourage 3 years ago

    I really like your poem, love your style.

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