I pull it out of nowhere, the will to carry on. Sleep is my favourite part of the day. That and this creative group that i go to. But everyone there has one thing that i don’t – they don’t have sexual dysfunction. they have sex drives to keep them going and give them a reason to live. Another day and what is spinning aorund in my head is the enemies i have built up over the years ust for existing – dangerous, evil people that are just waiting, lurking, for me to fall at their feet. this makes me want to kill myself to be safe from them. What if i was disabled and in a care home and these people could reach me whenever they wanted? What if i tried to jump out the window and i ended up disabled instead of dead? I have a fear of suicide because i have a fear of pain. I try to think of reasons to live and i know i want to do music and possibly even dance. But it just hits me so hard that they have all got their sex drives still and i havn’t. It’s huge, i want to be going out with people and i can’t. And please don’t comment saying “you never know” because it’s very physical and it’s very real. I’m going for tests at the doctors to check for ovarian failure. So anyway, i pull the will to live out of thin air because i don’t know why i am still going. I don’t want to be still going. Maybe i’ll write some good songs and surround myself with safe people to counteract the bad ones and then maybe the good ones will kill the bad ones! yay! But murder is illegal: problem.
I can’t express how much i want to go back so many times, so badly, and fix all these errors where i made stupid decisions and threw everything away and ruined my life by making friends with dangerous people because stupid me… i had no judge of character. i have made friends with people who have raped me in my sleep, that’s how much of a bad judge of character i am. Its like i’m blind to something other people arn’t blind to. And the worst thing these sleep rapists did is block important messages from getting to me. REALLY important messages. They made a joke of it. I want to go back sooo badly. It’s like i did absolutely EVERYTHING wrong. Everything i could have possibly done wrong was done. I was just a drain on resources. Well now i’m not even though i don’t have the resources now.
First of all, you’re not stupid. You trusted people and let your guard down around them. Neither of these actions are bad or punishable. The fact that you were hurt is NOT a negative reflection of your character. It is a negative reflection of THEIRS.
I am not a professional and I feel compelled to urge you to seek professional help. But I also know that, sometimes, it is easier to like yourself enough to get help when someone else likes you first. So do what you mentioned – surround yourself with good people and stay away from the bad. Keep writing and practicing your art. Those are excellent ways to heal yourself.
And in the meantime, I’d like to offer you my friendship. No strings attached, no questions or judgment or ulterior motive. I just want to put some kindness back into your world.