UGH I hate New Years and I don't know how I'm gonna get through it. Alone. Without J … we would always watch TV and see the ball drop in NY and drink and laugh at the musical acts, eat Chinese food… all those years I wished I was with someone else, but J was my New Years pal.. and now we're not really friends anymore so all of that is over. I guess I just have to move on.

I talked to P online on FB for over an hour. He says that when we dated last spring,he was really getting into me, but I was still in love with K and that turned him off. Well that makes no g-d d— sense because P (like alll other men pretty much) is not into committing to one person. He says (and these are his words) "I like to fuck around. All men do, that's how we're wired." SO there you go. Even if I WANTED to date P, I couldn't. He told me he liked me because I was easy to get along with and didn't fall in love with him. WTF?? He said the fact that I loved K made it easy because I didn't cling to him, yet he felt like he wanted me. Classic case of wanting what you can't have. Very frustrating. And even with that I invited P over for New Years Ever because I don't want to be alone. I have no idea if he'll accept. I haven't seen P since 4th of July. I have no idea what he will think of me now since he is all into fitness and working out and I gained so much weight. Seeing him again is a real risk. A REAL RISK!!

But no matter. I don't like him in that way, so I guess he can't hurt me really. I just don't want to be alone on New Years Eve, nobody does! I still can't get going in the day, can barely get dressed, I don't want to go out anywhere. I lucked out that our family day downtown got postponed again.

We'll see what happens, if anything. I'm already depressed and the New Year hasn't even started yet. I don't know if there's any hope of finding anyine even if I got over K completely.