Hi my name is Lora andi will be 30 this year.

I have mental health issues. To list them i have Body Dysmorphia, OCD and Depression.

Every day is a struggle for me. I have to force myself just to get out of bed, let alone get dressed, wash and do the things that 'normal people do'.

Some days are good and i experience a high, buzz like euphoria where everything is great.

Then i get the bad days.

I lok in the mirror and hate every tiny part of me. Experts say to focus on the bits you DO like. I dont like anything.

I look in the mirror and see a monster, a grotesque, deformed, crippled, gross, disgusting monster.

The sort that scares little children and who people throw rocks at.

I never feel beautiful, not even pretty, and certainly not sexy. I dont even feel like a woman. I feel like a boy with breasts.

I hate myself.

From the start of the day anything and everything will make me cry. There are certain issues that make the tears worse but mostly its random.

I think about killing myself. I reason that everyone would be better off without me, that most likely no one would even notice anyway.

I have images in my head of my dead body laying there for weeks, only being found when the neighbours report a gas leak because of the smell.

I convince myself that im doing everyone a favour by killing myself, that they all secretly hate me anyway, they just dont want to admit it.

I hear the whispers when i go out, i see the dirty looks.

God she's so fat and ugly. Why is he with her, he could do so much better. Jesus, talk about a heffer, if i looked like her id never leave the house. I hear the voices everyday, every where i go. The only place im 'safe' is in my house.

Which i dont leave unless i expressly have to. Outside i dont feel safe.

The man with the hoodie seems to leer at me.

The group of foreign men walking into a cafe with a bag, placing it on the floor beside them, glancing at me, their eyes concealing a hidden agenda.

The boy racers, with their music blaring, looking over their shoulders to talk to people in the back seat as i cross the road.

My house is the only place i feel safe. And then only in the day. At night i lay awake, listening to every sound, jumping at every bump and noise. I make my boyfriend get up and check that the door is locked several times. He falls fast asleep and i lay there, listening, my hands shaking, feeling sick.

I stare at the open doorway, the black shadow waiting. Waiting to pull me in, and if i get too close……i imagine hands, black hands with long nails, reaching out to grab me and i start to shake, scared out of my mind of the demsons in the dark waiting to get me.

I have a new routine now. I stay awake through the night, playing on the pc or surfing the internet, feeling safe in my little bubble and i only sleep when i cant hold my head up and its daylight. I snatch two or three hours sleep then go back on my computer, the one thing that seems to give me any joy.

Second Life. A world where you cn be anything you want to be. Animal, Demon or human. You can look how you want to look, you can have lots of friends, work, eat, sleep, dance, laugh, socialise, roelplay, explore, go travelling.

Seeing the Eiffel tower in Paris, the Taj Mahal in India, the Pyramids in Egypt, go on safari in Africa. Surfing in Australia, a rugby game in New Zealand or maybe a romantic getaway to Mauritius with your man, snorkelling and sunbathing. This is Second Life. The life that i would prefer was my first.

In Second Life im beautiful, fun, have lots of friends and many men clammering for me to be theirs. In Second Life i am happy.

I dont work. The idea of actually talking to real people scares the crap out of me. I dont like people. People dont like me. They think im wierd, and they avoid me like i have leprosy. Just thinking about looking for work, makes me break out in a cold sweat, a nausea fill my stomach, and i feel like i want to throw up. I start to shake and feel the typical flight or fight reaction.

And its always flight, i always run.

This is the way i feel about my many phobias.

Spiders, Vomiting, Pain, Falling, Needles, People, Driving, Childbirth.

Im scared of it all.

In fact im scared of everything.

Im terrified that im going to lose my loved ones. That they will be taken from me or leave.

My mum is in her sixties and i cant bear the thought that sooner or later she wont be there. I love her so much. It terrifies me that one day i wont just be able to call her up and talk to her.

And my daughter. Im terrified that something bad is going to happen to her. That she will get hit by a car, or get sick and die. She is more prescious to me than life itself, even though she doesnt live with me. The thought of her being in pain or upset makes me so sad i automatically cry.

Apparantly i have abandonment issue. You think?

My brother Adrian died when i was six, in a motorbike accident. At the time it didnt affect me much, i was so young. People say it gets better with time, but actually for me it gets worse.

When i got with my fiance i thought 'my brother would have really liked you'. It was the first time i'd really thought of him. Then we began to plan the wedding.

And i realised that Adrian would never be there. He wouldnt make a speech at my wedding, he would never meet my daughter, i would never hang out at his house on a sunday afternoon having a Bbq. I would never get a hug from my big bro, never ask his advice.

And i felt this stabbing pain in my chest. And its still there.

I cant think of him or say his name without bursting into tears now. I miss him so much, i wish he was here. I need him. I ache to have his arms wrap around me and tell me that everythings going to be okay. I cant accept the fact that he is gone and wont ever come back. I cant.

Im a white witch and i even considered using black magic to do a deal and bring him back. Thats how badly i miss him.

Not just him.

I had a miscarriage at five weeks. I was young, when i found out i was pregnant i……asked God to take my baby away. I told him if he did then i would NEVER be so stupid as to have unprotected sex again. The next evening i woke from a nap and had this lightbulb moment. I was going to be a mum. And right then i wanted this baby with every fibre of my being. I was happy. So happy.

In the evening i was sat on the sofa at my mums when i felt a searing pain in my belly. I looked at my mum, clutching my stomach and i just knew. Then i felt a……a pop. Like picking a grape off its stalk. And i crumpled. I just knew, i ran to the toilet, and miscarried my baby at five weeks. She was dead. My baby Ebony Krista. I dont know why i thought she was a girl, i just got this sense, really heavy, like mothers intuition. I was devastated. And i blamed myself. It was my fault that my baby was dead, God had done what i asked him to. He had taken my baby. I still blame myself to this day. It was my fault.

My daughter, Eva, has mild autism. I blame myself for that too. I coulnt breastfeed, i found it so painful so i had to switch to bottle. The midwife i had told me that if i didnt breastfeed that my child would grow up divvy and i guess she did. I also dropped her when she was but a tiny baby. My fault.

When she was born i didnt bond with her, and i began to neglect her. I am so ashamed of how i was, i beat myself up about it all the time. I would cry constantly, ignore her crying, leave her in nappies for six hours, never fed her. My mum was my saviour, she saw i wasnt coping and she took Eva, essentially becoming Evas parent. We have an amazing relationship now, me and Eva, more like sister sister thats okay.

I want to be a mum so much, so much it hurts. I cry about it. I want to do the dinner and read the nighttime story. I want to dress her and take her to school, wave her of like the proud mum i am. But i still cant cope. As soon as im alone with her i freak, not knowing what to do. Having her on my own scares the hell out of me, im scared that i will do something wrong and she will get hurt or die. I dont have that natural mothers instinct most do.

And i hate it. I think that one day she will look at how i am and hate me for it. See me for the pathetic creature i am. I cant cook, am terrified of doing something wrong, thats a big theme in my life.

Sometimes i just want to run away. Pack a bag and make myself homeless, become the shadow that follows you on the street, hides in the alleys, unseen as people hurry home to their perfect little lives.

I cant stand it. The pain in my chest, the sadness in my head. The loneliness as i stand in a room with all my friends and family, thew fear that im just not good enough. The feeling like im already dead inside.

Life is easy huh? No its not. But for me its worse.

I have questions thrown at me. Why dont you get a job, why dont you get help, why dont you go to the doctor, why cant you be like everyone else?

The answer is simple. Because i cant. I wasn't made that way.

By the time God got to making me, he'd run out of smiles. So i was made sad.

I have fought to be happy for almost fourteen years and i cant do it anymore. Iv'e finally accepted that this is the way i am, and i cannot change.

Im so hollow. Lost in the fog of eternal night. To wander the ages with no purpose, no path.

2 Comments
  1. newagecolumbus 9 years ago

    hi 

    just  came  from a  marriage  party  and  randomly read  your  blog  …….fully 🙂

    two things  come  to my mind   …  ( im depressed  for last 20 yrs  and hence can relate  to some extent  ) 

    1.  thanks  to  therapy  off and on and interacting with a lot of people  i  strongly believe  most   people  are  neither  very  interested  or very hateful  of anybody  be it  whether u r intelligent , pretty ,ugly or disgusting  .  Our  self defeating thoughts  are  our enemy   ……… are  you on therapy  ?  maybe cognitive behavioural therapy may help

    2 .   are  you on medication  ?  though  it didnt help me some  people may have a  great response to some medication  .

        btw    one  strong  positive thing  is   ….you are an expert  in secondlife  …

    though many of us  are internet  savvy  few of us  are there in secondlife  ….maybe  you can guide  us  .

    anyway welcome to depressiontribe.com

    warm regards

    newage

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  2. rickylee 9 years ago

    Wow, read your blog from beging to end and I also lost a brother when I was young and miss him a lot, he was more then just a brother, he was my friend and thats been almost 40 years, yes I know I'm old but I do understand what you're going through and I would like to be there for you if you ever need a shoulder to lean on or feel like chatting, take care and God Bless

    Rick

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