so i finally went to an intake interview to hopefully find a good therapist. but i think it's going to be so hard for me to talk to someone. sometimes i kind of space out and somehow convince myself and others that nothing's really wrong with me, or i minimize what i'm feeling. and i don't want to do that in therapy. but when i talk about what's going on, i feel i sound incredibly fake and dramatic, and not me at all. when i was speaking to the guy conducting my intake, i had left out some pretty important things that i just totally blocked out of my mind.  i don't think i explained myself well.  when i told him about a family member who is bipolar and has been suicidal, he asked me if this bothers me because i worry that i am bipolar. my response– "kind of." so ok,that thought may be in the back of my head, but really, i'm so worried that i'm going to get a call saying that he has done something horrible to himself. the thought of losing him terrifies me, and has made my anxiety much worse. it's making it so hard to study mental illnesses in my classes, and to learn how to assess for suicide. i can't stop thinking about how he feels, and if i don't hear from him for a few days i get so nervous. that's a huge thing going on for me, and i'm wondering how a therapist didn't ask about that? especially one that's been practicing for 30 years? and how did i not tell him that that was a main issue? i totally just blocked it out of my mind. during the middle of his asking questions about my history, i got really anxious and just wanted to leave. and it wasn't even anything specific that he said. i'm not sure what it was about.

i wish there was an easy way to fix myself.  i just want to feel normal. i've just been thinking this would go away once i get used to things, but it's not. i don't want to have to try medication again. i've realized that in the past, i really did think the way i feel is due to circumstances. that once i had the freedom to do what i want to do and be who i want to be, everything would be ok. but now, i have so many opportunities for friendships, for a career. i've made it to grad school and am totally independent, and appear to others to be doing well for myself. but i'm just waiting for every day to end. waiting to get out of every place that i enter, so that i can look back and think "i made it through that." i'm not living in the moment at all, and this is quite depressing.

i've found that im happiest when indulging in silly fantasies. usually involving this guy that i have feelings for. and this is all really embarrassing and makes me feel like i'm 10 years younger than i am, but i'm going to write about it anyway. i've been trying to believe in the whole "willing something into existence" thing, and have been wishing at 11:11… and i even wished upon a shooting star. i've never been like this before, but it's kind of the one thing that's giving me hope. many times these wishes have come true (though of course i'm wishing for things that were probably 70% likely to happen anyway). but the even more embarrassing thing is that these wishes have all been related to this guy. i don't know if it's just because it's a distraction from areas in life that matter. i mean, if i really believed in this stuff, i would be wishing for solutions to family problems, to get over the uncertainty of my future career, to get over my issues that are affecting every area of my life, etc. stuff that really matters, yes? maybe i don't know if these problems can be solved, so i just avoid them.

or maybe it's that i do crave this certain kind of connection with someone, and the thought of possibilities with this guy makes me hopeful. it seems like the only time i'm really happy is after i talk to him. but really, the last time i was in a "happy" relationship, i was depressed most of that time. but i don't remember fantasizing or longing for things like i do now. bleh. really, i don't want to talk about my problems, i want to write all about this guy. it sickens me. so i won't do that.  well, on to other things.


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