It's been a while since I've just shared my thoughts in journal form, lately it's been feeling like I've been trying to pull something out of me and affect the world in a positive way. Well sometimes it feels more like a kid shouting "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!" on a mountain top lol. It's not a coscious effort at gaining attention but I don't know how to clas it. I don't want to appear selfish so I think that's the main reason I'm writing this. In truth for a while as a whole I kind of hated humanity, more for our faults than anything else. We're violent, hypocritical, genocidal, and stubborn… But we're also compassionate, honorable, giving, supportive, and nurtutring. Am I shouting to the clouds looking for answers? Am I overthinking things,? I damn sure am not underthinking.
After sitting down and really gving it a lot of thought here's what I have come up with. I wasn't angry with the world, that was me transferring my ager at my biological father onto everyone else. Simply put the guy wasn't there, still isn't. I thought I had all that crap dealt with but I've been thinking a lot lately about howI want to leave things. I avoided my grandmother, whom I love, until she died . Solely based on my anger at him, she wanted us to get together and try and build some sort of relationship. Inever told her how I really felt about him, it semed like a good idea at the time, family was everything to her and I didn't want to upset her by telling her that I can't stand the sight of her son, ironically I see him every day when I look in the mirror. I'm not angry any more. He's essentially nothing to me, mostly due to the fact that I have a father that raised me, loved me like I was his own, and is continuing to show me what it is to be a man even though I'm grown. However, I've been thinking about giving the dude that's responsible for my Y-chromosome a call, not to berate him, not to unload on him all the stuff I had to deal with without him. But to warn him away from amking the same mistake. He has other kids, a boy and a girl, I recently found out that he's as much a part of their childhoods as he was with with mine. Not for him mind you, for my brother and sister, no one should ever know what it feels like to have their own father reject them I wouldn't wish that hurt on anyone.
I've got one last thing to say before I sign off, it's a quote from my grandmother… on my mother's side, also deceased and whome I miss just as much. If I'd have listened more to what she was saying at the time I might not have to be dealing with this now. She was a very seious woman but she had her moments that made you laugh, this one's more serious than anything I've ever heard her say, but if you read into it mroe it's kind of funny in it's own right… "Suck it up, and shut up" it took me a long time to figure out what it means but I get it now Gunny and thank you.